Today I Almost Gave Up

As a parent you do what you have to. You stay awake…for hours and days. You clean and you cook. You re-learn long division…twice. You mop up fluids and fix the broken things. You do without so they have enough. You try to remember to be strong…that you ARE STRONG.  You do all this and you don’t give up…until you do.

Today was that day. It was a hospital emergency room day…in the smack damn middle of GD flu season. Smack dab in the middle of “I just need a weekend where its boring with no stupidness or things that make you say THAT’S DUMB” Usually, I would wait to take her to the GP until Monday. I’m THAT Mom…that Nurse MOM that feels so bad for the hospital staff working on a Saturday, dealing with things that could have and should have been a doctors appointment but weren’t :s  that I wait, and we tough it out. This was one of those things though, that couldn’t wait. It was bad….”it” was already left too long before “it” showed up in my care. My mini-me was in more pain than I have ever seen her in, she was feeling the effect of antibiotics, she was dehydrated and exhausted…and frightened. I did what I could to avoid the middle of the night trip…and we managed to make it to morning but then we knew we had to go.  So we went and we waited and we waited….and everyone there one was sooooo sick and I lost my GD mind a little. I was tired from being up all night with her. I was feeling ill from not being able to eat because of how afraid I was of what might be wrong with this little person who is my very favorite thing in the whole world…afraid for help because I actually knew what this particular help would look like. I was terrified of the sickness inside that place: I was afraid of it getting me.  The thought of the wait ahead of us made my head start pounding. But still, we went and we waited. The questions about her ailment began as soon as we arrived and the terrible overwhelming guilt set in. How could it get this bad? Why didn’t I call and ask and push and do what I had to? I wanted to run away. I wanted to tell anyone who would listen that it wasn’t my fault: I couldn’t have known, I wasn’t there…but I know I would have thought the same thing: ya right. So I didn’t and we waited. As we waited more and more people arrived, 3 ambulances with elderly folks looking terrible, 3 very sick crying toddlers that made me remember why I am glad I don’t have toddlers because their helpless cries of frustration just broke my heart (the thought of how awful it must be to feel so sick and not have to words to tell your Momma what is wrong), there was a incident with a chainsaw, and fight between brothers involving a shovel….and still we waited. Amidst the tears and the bleeding and the coughing, oh so much horrible germ spraying PLEASE for the love of FUCK cover your FUCKING mouth; we waited it out. Twice I cried from pure frustration. I did not want to be there. I was angry: I was afraid. It was chaos and it was loud and it was never ending. When it was time to be moved from one waiting room to the next for more waiting, there were more questions I couldn’t answer, more passive aggressive statements about the better state she would be in IF the treatment plan was followed (so child, someone thought that you walking to school everyday was a good idea?? huh.) more looks that seems to scream at me that I was a horrible Mother: The child was grumpy and bossy and not answering questions for herself making me more frustrated.  And I wanted to give up. I was done and tired and beaten and hopeless and physically ill from the space I was in. I was alone and realized there was no one to come to help me through this..I realized I needed help and had no one to turn to in this particular time of need. I almost did the thing where you call the other parent and admit that you can’t…that you are done….that its too hard: they made it too hard…I cave, I give, I’m out…I almost did the thing that is not actually a thing at all because you can’t actually do that and you don’t actually want to…but internally I was screaming and sad and defeated and tired: then peace came. It came in the form of an Xray. We were taken from our germ hole down a hall past 3 gurneys and so many more sick people and suddenly; we were in an empty hallway.  The silence was deafening. I found myself completely alone while they wheeled her into the Xray suite. The starch whiteness of the place made my eyes hurt. The sound of the florescent tubes humming was almost musical. The echo of my footsteps and I paced up the hallway was rhythmic and calming. I wanted to stay there forever. It was the quiet calmness of that hallway that I walked up and own several times that allowed me the serenity I needed to regroup: to remember that this is just another event in a series of crazy not-so-random happenstances designed for me to guide me and teach me and give me what I need. I could continue to do this and I would continue to do this. And that it’s alright to cry and feel the frustration and the loneliness  that comes with going things alone. It’s alright to feel weakness in some moments and strength in others. This silence in this hallway gave me strength….which is odd since silence is usually the most damaging thing to me: people can destroy me with the simple act of silence. I felt the power of it and heard the importance hidden within it.

The little was released after 6 hours with more pills and more instructions and more restrictions and Mom had more worries than I did when we arrived.  We’re not done and it’s not even as bad as it’s going to get. In a few short days I will be back to the same helpless hope that everything is going to somehow be OK and that someday I will be able to find that beauty in silence again.

Happiness Without Sadness

Article: Happiness Without Sadness

This is  a really interesting article I came across that kind of made me say…huh!

Point: You really have to feel all aspects of emotions and feelings

Point: It’s not only OK to feel…it’s important to feel!

Point: It probably sure is NOT a good idea to live solely in the dichotomy between emotions/feeling…etc (learning point and teachable moment for me)

Point: OK question actually….is there such thing as a false or fake dichotomy? (oxymoron question…haha!) Oh boy…this leaves so much confusion in my head and so much learning to do. This both excites and makes me feel so alone.

Point: I still think you have to feel things and take from “them” what you need and then move past the feeling…however I guess it’s important to be sure to take a little of the “pain” to help you with the healing.

Point: I am still learning as I go….it’s all about perspective and experience and I haven’t enough of either…

 

Practice What You Preach

I have a weird job. My coworker agrees. In fact, last year after teaching a particularly ridiculous class of grade 6 students he said that exact phrase to me: Our job is weird…and I had to agree. It’s weird but it’s wonderful and fulfilling and I love it. I spend my days in schools teaching kids about their emotional wellness…doesn’t sound hard or weird until you understand that in order for me to do that I have to start with the very basic level of teaching them to understand emotions. As in happy and sad and angry and glad… Turns out somehow we (good job us) forgot to teach kids what emotions are and how they work. How did that happen?

I remember kindergarten well. I remember the classroom and my little friends (and that one girl I just hated from the minute I met her simply because her Mom braided her hair everyday and my hair was too short) I remember my teacher and how nice she was (the 2nd teacher: we were kinda bad and we may have broken the first one a little bit…) I remember sitting on the red carpet for story time and learning as a class to tie our shoes. I remember the French teacher using a green monster puppet to teach us our very first basic French words. I remember each morning getting to select which order we wanted to visit the play centres: paint, water table, blocks and the house centre. I also remember that we learned about feelings. We learned to solve our conflicts on our own by using laminated pieces of paper with faces depicting emotions on them to share with each other how what something they said or did made us feel. We learned what sad, happy, angry, afraid and embarrassed meant when we were 4. It helped us be better friends and kind people. This is clearly no longer the case. The kindergarten kids I hang out with now (ya..I’m that cool!) can unlock my iPhone in 3 seconds and download 37 songs and 4 games and probably do my taxes …but they can’t tell me what sad feels like and they can’t work through tiny little conflicts on their own with out pandemonium breaking out. As far as I am concerned this is a problem..but as usual, no one asks for my opinion on these things!

When I teach my intermediate students I find it easiest to explain things using examples from pop culture to help them relate to what I am teaching. This month I am teaching the basic definition of Mental Health: who has it, what it is, how to keep it in check. Before I can even begin to teach that I literally have to explain what emotions are and how they work. In order to do this I have been using references from a cute Pixar movie about a little girl who looses her joy and sadness after a big life change. The end of said movie shows that in order for the little girl to get through her problem, which she does…yay!, she needs to let all of her emotions work together….it’s cute and it perfect! The first slide I use in my presentation is a picture of the characters from the movie: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust and Anger. I ask my students to tell me which character they relate to the most and then we talk about how we, human beings,  are actually made up of all five of the emotions working together. Then I ask them why, in the movie, did the writers show the emotion Joy crying? How can Joy be sad??? Seriously! how can Joy be sad? She is Joy. She is happy…that’s who she is for sobbing out loud?!?! Is that a mistake? A continuity error?? What I explain next, what I help them see next is my favorite teachable moment: to see the looks of astonishment on their faces when they come to the realization that you can not, literally, have the feeling of joy with out knowing sadness. The movie is accurate…100%. Think about it: how can YOU honestly say you are 100% happy if you have never felt deep sadness? How can you feel sad if you have never felt pure euphoria? How can you say you are brave if you have never felt fear? Disgust?? Not without admiration! Anger without knowing peace is not possible! Love without loss…same thing.

At some point in the midst of having this conversation 30 times in 30 different classes this month with 800 student…I had one of those life altering epiphany moments that is so simple it makes you feel kind of silly: I am that little girl in the movie…but like more life experienced obviously. A bad thing (okay it was like 17 bad things all at once punching me in the face like a fist sandwich) happened…completely out of my control and my own brain only did what it had to, in order to protect me from myself. What. The. Hell??? My everything was thrown into chaos and those things that I held onto as the things that meant peace and calm and happiness were gone or leaving or being taken from me: both physical things and sentimental things. It was bad and I felt worse and it lasted forever and it felt like it was never going to stop and then all of a sudden I didn’t feel like that anymore. My brain…my emotional wellness…my very own resilience…all of those things I blather on about all damn day long to my students…did their effing job and somehow….I am OK now. Somehow, I came to the understanding that the things I had that I thought meant everything to me and my happiness were gone, and the me I was then was gone, and none of that would be the same ever again. I somehow came to the realization that is perfectly OK; in fact I was somewhat glad about that. I figured out that I got to decide that its OK to be happy with things as they are right now….and I am. I somehow came to understand that sometimes its good to feel the fear and the anger and the disgust and the sadness and most importantly: the joy. Cue my man Dumbledor: “Happiness can be found even in the darkest times, if only you remember to turn on the light”. You, literally, have to let the joy in during the bad times. I found my joy….and guess what? It’s not significant. It did not come in the form of a person to replace what I felt was missing, it did not come in the form of a financial windfall or a sudden lack of troublesome people in my life. It came simply from just accepting things for what they are right now and being excited for the things that come next and being alright with that. In the mean time the “stuff” is still here. It’s here everyday in my face causing problems and little annoyances. I am still healing from the grief associated with the multiple losses I have experienced and I am still figuring out how the dynamics this life of mine are going to play out in regards to logistics….that stuff is going to take a while I am certain. Some days are sad and I still get angry and I am still hurt and none of this has been fair or necessary…but it is what is and I am OK and I am happy. Thank you weird job and cute movie for helping me see that

Sad is sad…

Today is the day Canada cried together.

424 days ago we gathered together as a country and watched and laughed and cried as The Tragically Hip shared with us, for the last time, their music. We sang along and reveled in the beauty of The Tragically Hip’s  beautiful gift and were enraptured, as always, by the talent of Mr. Gord Downie: even in his ill state . That evening we all anticipated the final set…the final song and at sad last…the final beautiful note and then together we said goodbye to our very favorite prideful Canadian musical icons. For three hours we sat together and were thankful for each (commercial free!!) second they gave us. This is a day I will remember for my own forever. It was shared with exactly the friends it should have been shared with. My heart was full that day. I am grateful for that experience.

My love of music began with my love for the Hip: ironically the first song I loved was the last song they played that memorable August day in 2016. Rewind to 1996: I was 16 and it was summertime and my super cool high school self (jeans, teeshirts and plaid shirts…the whole thing!) was just realizing that there was more to music than what was played on the radio. I had the fortuitous luck to be dating a self proclaimed audiophile (he was as cool as me…) who would make me sweet mixed tapes filled with all of his favorite music: a bold mix of Radio Head, Sinead O’Connor, The Cranberries, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains…and The Hip. I am sure if I looked buried in my closet somewhere in my childhood home, that is soon to become mine again through circumstance, I could find that tape with a handwritten purple penned label (oh the things I remember). When Ahead by a Century played for the first time I remember hearing Gord’s voice and feeling the way the music told it’s own story and listening to the lyrics and wanting to understand the reason behind the song: in 1996 Wikipedia was not an option…it wasn’t even a thing actually…you had to make up your own story and it was awesome! Without the ability to just know the real reason, I could let my imagination run free with wonder and amazement. I loved the way that happened. I loved to feel creative like that. I stated writing those things down (also in the closet in this home of mine I have located, but not yet read, 25 spiral bound  notebooks filled with my careful hand writing depicting fables inspired by the music I loved) Music became important to me it became my muse and my inspiration Music was, and remains to be, my coping mechanism during sad, scary or painful times. (Headphones in, music so loud you can hear it…probably don’t talk to me! Just saying…I may have blown through 2 sets of headphones this last 6 months.) I am confident in saying that song, that album (ok…even the mix tape made with high school puppy love…) is a part of what makes me..me. I am so very thankful for that.

This past year we Canadians watched as Mr. Downie’s public appearances became less: sporadic. They were well planned and obviously scripted. We understood why and were grateful for the chance to still see him, so we watched. He continued to do his best to speak to those issues that moved him to speak out. He participated in events that could inspire change in this world: He wanted to do his part to make the world a better world for everyone. Mr. Downie had a gift and an opportunity to use his fame for the true greater good: and he did. Canada could not be prouder to call him our own. Eventually though this last few months we saw and heard very little. I quietly wondered why. I knew why: we all knew why. He was sick and the inevitable was closing in. Today while sitting in tiny school library reading a book about a bug and his friends, I heard the news I didn’t know I was waiting for. A text message came through simply saying “Gord Downie died today. I am sorry” and I cried. I sent a text to someone that I wanted to share that moment with because that’s what you do: significant moments are meant to be shared with significant people. I just felt empty and sad about losing someone I didn’t know. Loss is loss. Pain is pain and sad is sad. Pain and sad make you remember other painful sad things. It was hard and it was bad and I was not sure I could not cry for the rest of the day. I pulled myself together and walked in to the class I had to teach and was greeted with huge hugs just because (I love those kids!) and loud hellos: and then I listened as a group of grade 8 students sang the most kick ass karaoke version of Courage I think has ever been sung. My heart was once again full. Your gift lives on Hip!

A friend said today on a Facebook post that we have had a year to prepare ourselves for this moment: but the truth is nothing could prepare us. That is so very true. Sad is sad and loss is loss. Hard is hard…this is hard. Today we are sad. Today we share a loss. I find myself thinking, as I do, of those closest to Mr. Downie: his family and friends, his band mates especially. I have felt loss of my own and I hate every minute of it. I hope he did not suffer. I hope he had peace. I hope that those who love him the most find their own sense of peace and take comfort in knowing that his talent was a gift we are grateful he shared with us all. I hope the gift Mr. Downie gave us all continues to be appreciated and continues to inspire us all: to be better people, to make change, to speak up when we can, to write, to play, to sing, to dance and to love.

Thank you Mr. Downie.

 

Thinking “Good” Things Only

Oh my LANTA I am trying. Some moments on some days when for no reason at all (or for a very good reason like a flicker of a memory or a glimpse at a significant date or a looming reality of my new now ) the panic sets in and the gloom creeps up and I can taste the tears coming and i start sweating and feeling like Slim Shady about to have a replay of my lunch in reverse: I literally sit in my office chair and out loud say to myself “STOP IT ROBYN! For the love of all that is holy PULL YOUR DAMN SELF TOGETHER”. Then I force myself to think of the good things…count them out Robyn…give me 5…(like Luna Lovegood trying to help Harry make a Patronus charm!)  and it works…mostly…there has actually been almost no throw up or tears at work in the past week!!  There have actually been very few low moments and many more of the familiar happy, ridiculous, I’m sorry I made you laugh right before you had to talk-oh there I am…I am almost feeling like me again-moments. My workmates are soooo lucky to have me to share a space/hour long van ride with!

As time goes on it certainly gets easier/faster to pull myself back from the down moments. Pull myself back to the happy moments and the reality of now.  That is where I live. I live in the now. The past is the past (it made me who i am and gave me the “things” I need to go forward and I am so grateful for  what I brought with me but it is, nonetheless, gone and unchangeable) and now is now. And I have decided that now is good. Because I have decided there IS good. Even in the hard times; there is still good out there. The bad times can certainly be bad, hard to deal with…hard to cope with…hard to find that “thing” that will get you through times. And I don’t know how or why or where “it” came from (well yes I do…it came from finally understanding what I have been trying to understand and learn for quite sometime that I have been very lovingly and patiently guided to understand), nor do I know why “it” showed up when it did: but show up it did: There is good in this world. There is also bad or wrong or evil. BUT there IS also a space in between those places. It’s not just one or the other; either or. It doesn’t have to be and it definitely should not be. There literally is no good or bad: there is both and  neither are definitive! Whaaaat???

To some, the space between is a vast expanse where people are meant to exist with balance. To me though, where I exist, is a very small space in between…a space that can almost not be quantified…a space so small it’s like the space between breathing in and breathing out: it’s there but so hard to hear and see and catch. I also believe that both views of that space, the dichotomy if you will ( 🙂 ), are absolutely believable and most definitely correct! Because I also decided, that depending on the person viewing the space…the image is different: some people say “my house is cozy” some people say “my house is soo small!” Please don’t get me wrong: I do not feel cramped or unhappy in my small space….I like it here. Maybe this tiny space I occupy helps me be good at what I do. Maybe it makes it easier to care and love and be empathetic (I always try to look at someone else’s “need” from my perspective and ask myself: if this was me what would I want someone to do for me?).  Maybe it makes it easier for me to forgive or understand people/situations or look at people as the people they are now and not their past. I give everyone a chance…. because I guess I would like the same from people. This doesn’t mean I am naive. I am not one to be deluded by pretenses. I can, somehow, feel honesty and integrity in people and that means something to me. I can also feel dishonesty and judgement and hostility. First impressions are important to me but; I build that impression on my own and I don’t let myself be clouded by the judgments of others because that is what FEELS good to me. That is how I stay in my little cozy space in between where I like it…AND my space in between is not the same space as your space….and that is OK!!  That’s what it’s about: finding your own space and making it what you need it to be! (holy ah-ha! moment batman!)

Welcome!

life is a beautiful struggle

It’s new here…it kind of has the that newly set up blog smell!! Although: if it’s like the new car smell its only really appealing for like the first week and then it kind of gives you a headache…thank GODS for those little tree things that smell like vanilla…which is actually weird…anyway…

This is our new home: So Welcome! Its a bit of a mess (kind of like me) and will be for a wee bit while I figure out how things work (also like me), but eventually everything will sort itself out and we will all be fine!  This is just one of many little adjustments to be made and one more learning curve to conquer! Up next is: Why is there no sound on my laptop and what the actual fuck is a sound card and does ANYONE know where I put the receipt for this thing??? followed closely behind by: Where do i plug the one thingy in on the back of the Mac thing so both monitors work?? sigh. I can do a 6 page med rec in like 20 minutes and fax the doctor ,get a response and update the pharmacy all in that time but..this…THIS throws me for a looper! Sigh.  I need to pay more attention to things!

Maybe I will write more..again. Maybe I will take more pictures (I think I need a refresher on the settings of my camera first…) Maybe I will just post screenshots of angry ducks or wet koala bears or raccoons pushing brooms that  I find on the internet because they make me laugh (please google those things and laugh with me!) Who knows what might happen? I’m kind of learning as I go that nothing goes as planned and that this life is full of variables  that like to push you down a road you didn’t even know existed and its better to just let it happen and make adjustments as they come. (Yay. Another learning curve!)

🙂

I Hate Deciding Things

I hate deciding things. I just simply don’t want to anymore. I want someone to decide for me: I literally give up on making decisions. I feel like right now I am the epitome of “sometimes bad things happen because you’re an idiot and make BAD DECISIONS”. So… I quit. Is that a “thing”? Can I do that? Probably most definitely not. Turns out decisions are a part of human life. Everyday our 1 billion neurons and synapses preform over 70,000 thoughts: most of them are subconscious and we aren’t even aware of them. Our lives are defined by choices and decisions. Where you are right now is mostly due to millions of micro changes that took place because of choices and decisions you made at one point in time: however, it ALSO turns out that other people’s choices and decisions affect you as well. Yay. That’s fun (sorry if it’s hard to hear me over the sound of the big giant ass bitter bus I am riding right now). It’s fun (not at all fun: it’s the opposite of fun) because in these situations you have no choice but to start making choices and decisions to counter act the other persons choices. It’s not fun because then you feel like saying things like “it’s not fair. I don’t deserve this (ahem hem… I MAY have said this phrase 234,766 times in the last 9 weeks). Why me? This is stupid…which leads to where I am now…I don’t just want to anymore. I don’t want to decide. I “don’t want to” a lot of things right now because it’s not fair. It is stupid. I sure as fuck don’t deserve this. I certainly did not ask for this and I am DEFINITELY not experiencing this because I am an idiot or made a bad choice: “This” is simply the result of 1 million micro choices and changes that happen to have affected me at this time. That all being said: It also turns out I literally, no matter how much I don’t want to: simply do not have a choice but to make a choice. The choices I must make now are also huge-normous life altering- financially involved decisions. The problem is making “forced” choices this way makes me feel angry and sad and scared and hurt all at once. Making decisions right now when I feel like I do and I am not thinking clearly or straight at all is really REALLY difficult because I am so terrified of making another choice that will shoot me sideways down fuck-up-ally all over again…again. Right now I don’t even know how to make a damn decision for myself without having to consider whether someone else will be ok with my choice or decision and then I suddenly remember it no longer matters because I am the only affected by this decision now which makes me feel alone and the grief starts to kick in,  which brings me back to angry about WHY i feel this way and then I get angry that I am angry because I HATE being angry because it’s counter productive and I say mean things and tell people to fuck off when I don’t actually mean it (well…I did mean it in the please go away sense but I could have been nicer about it…I’m very sorry) and then I feel sad and I still haven’t made a decision and I am tired of making decisions because of others people decisions. I already make so many “aware” choices in a day. I decide every single day that it is going to be a good day and try my hardest to make choices that make that happen. I decide that I am going to stay true to my integrity and be a good person (minus the whole fuck off thing…but seriously…) and not set out to hurt anyone with my choices. I decide to be kind. I decide to care. I decide to love unconditionally those who love me the same way because I deserve to be loved like that and I have so much love to give. I decide to try my hardest not to lose hope. I decide to continue to try to find good in people when I know it’s there…even if it hurts sometimes…until I just can’t anymore: then I decide to let go to keep myself as ok as I can. I decide to forgive myself for my mistakes and errors in judgement; learn from them and move on from them. I decide to forgive others for the same but not to let myself forget. I decide things everyday and everyday I have to keep deciding to keep deciding to choose what feels right instead of what is easy most of the time. And now I have to decide to decide to go forward and carry this hurt (that I will get used to feeling someday) and this anger (that I will change to learning) and these deep rooted scars from so much loss in such a short time and so many lies that I have lost trust in people again that will eventually fade but never fully heal because they are now a part of the “me” I am slowly finding) and I just don’t want to make that decision: turns out though, I don’t have a choice but to focus on this moment as it is now, not expect: but except and move forward. Understand I can’t change what “is”; anymore than I can change what “was”.

Everyone Needs a Playlist

I have 23 of them. Yup. They are called things like Happy, Sad, Angry, Laundry, Bike Ride, School Work, Songs That don’t make me want to scream my fucking head off (my favorite lately!), Driving, Driving in traffic, Sleep, Sleep without dreaming, Hemi-Sync, Walking the Dog….you know the usual.

I have had a “bumpy” 6 months (TBH It’s been a shit storm of shitty craptactualr poo with crap on it 6 months) and I am slowly crawling and clawing and fighting my way back out of it and then falling back down and having to start again almost daily BUT I still trying and THAT is what counts right? My playlists have been my saving grace throughout most of it. Music has been my escape from my thoughts lately…it seems before I can do anything I need music. I have been surrounded my whole life by music. Each memory I have has a song associated with it..Sweet Caroline reminds me of car rides to the cottage with my Dad, Beethoven’s Fur Elise reminds me of sitting in the den with my Grandpa Bob listening to records, Stairway to Heaven: obviously high school dance, Change of Seasons by Sweet Thing…2nd first date song, The Tea Party makes me Sad, Mumford and Sons makes me feel homesick, Metric makes me want to clean things, T-Swift makes me want to kick things, Charlie Pride makes me laugh, scratchy staticy needle drops make me so fucking unbelievable happy….you get it: I attach memories to songs and sounds and tastes ( I have cried while drinking tea because of the memories associated with it and felt ill once when someone suggested eating at a certain restaurant for the same reason).

Turns out I am the type of person that needs sound to feel at peace. (I am making a list of Things about me that I didn’t know before: and this is number one on the list): This is something I learned about myself recently after finding myself alone and in the quiet with only my own thoughts for too many days. I turned on the receiver and connected my phone to the Bluetooth (I was so proud of myself for knowing how) and I pressed play and instantly felt peace. For the next (very long) 4 weeks if I was awake there was sound of some sort. I started to listen to guided meditation to fall asleep. If I was walking anywhere alone: even from my parking spot to my office (which is a very short city block) my headphones were in. The radio in my car had died at this exact shitty time as well so, I learned to drive with headphones in.  I downloaded music based on suggestions from other music I had in my playlist and fell in absolute love with a new album by a group I adored,  and I listened to the 4 songs that were released on repeat for days. I started listening to the meanings behind the songs I was listening to and at times became emotional: some were so powerful I had to stop listening to them due the reaction they brought out in me. I started listening to records I found on a shelf I had never taken the time to listen to and learned to understand the power behind the music and the beauty in the composition. Electronic Dance has this amazing weaving of sounds and beats and tempo that in the right space with the right volume (awkward with one ear that hears sound at a different decibel level but I figured it out!) makes me feel euphoric and yet calm and focused at the same time (excellent for writing psychology papers at 2 am!) I found myself unable to focus if it was too quiet. Radio Paradise has been a savior. Youtube is my hero lately for the suggested songs. I miss when GrooveShark was a thing. How did I not know this about myself before? It kind of made me angry that, once again, I felt ripped off from missing out for so long….don’t get me wrong I have always loved music and appreciated it, but this is different and hard to explain. It might seem insignificant or small or even a strange thing to focus on when, clearly, I have bigger fucking fish to fry…but this discovery is important to me. Maybe I am starting to know “me” a little better. Also: everyone should make a “things about me  that I didn’t know before” list…it’s very therapeutic to self reflect like that. Also I need more music to listen to.

Cheers! Xo

I Think I May Have Lost Myself Again…

I haven’t written in such a long time. I haven’t felt the desire or the need or made the time. I forget how to even start. I can’t remember how to organize my thoughts. I can’t seem recall how to get myself into the mindset to focus. I haven’t even so much as logged in to this blog in over a year. It’s not that I was busy. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say because…damn. It’s not because someone or something came along and made it so I couldn’t; I simply just didn’t. My choice. My fault. Mine to own. Mine to regret if I choose. I find myself sitting here tonight wondering why is it that the only time I feel the pull to write is when things are not…great or when life feels extraordinary? It seems like this little forgotten blog is my haven and the place I feel like I can come to put things that need to be put somewhere. Happy, sad or full of love: it all belongs here. As I read through a few of my older posts, I found all my sadness and all my joy and all my love that I left here: safe, intact and complete. I felt every single emotion as though it was the very day I left it here. I wondered for a moment if I should delete some things: some things are certainly different and remembering is quite painful right now; but then I decided that this place is what it is to me because this is where those things belong. My story is my story because of those things and I am me because they happened: Forgetting is not an option. I keep them here so I can come back to them when I need to.  I realized tonight that everyone has an outlet. Some people create beautiful art, some people sing, some people build. I realized that this place is my art form, this is my song, this is my therapy and my healing. This is where I can be me. No matter how big the gap is between creations: they are all such an import piece of my human “self-ness”.  They are all important.  So now… why now? What now? I don’t know the answer to any of that. I don’t know the answer to anything it seems. I can’t make a plan (I probably couldn’t make spaghetti right now) I can’t make sense of a lot of things. I’m having troubling focusing. I’m finding it very difficult to smile: when I do feel joy right now it feels foreign and wrong.  I miss the feeling of extraordinary. I miss the feeling of safe and settled and home and family. I miss not thinking what if and why. I miss not having my heart feel like its being turned inside out a thousand times a day. I miss the feeling of comfortable and the feeling of familiar. I miss not being scared and I miss not having to worry. I miss the feeling of love. I miss the feeling of being special and important. I miss being extraordinary. Until tonight I thought I missed “me”: I thought when it all disappeared that I lost me too. It turns out though, most of me has been here all along – I just forgot where to look. I guess the rest of me will show up when it’s time. I will find all of the things that I feel like I lost someday. I will recognize soon enough that most of those things never actually left they just took on a different form. I will find my strength and be in a place I can put it away again. It’s just going to take time.  Thank you for keeping “me” safe little blog.

xo

 

edit/ It’s been so long I can’t even remember how to work this thing 😦  I can save your life and probably deliver a baby in a pinch: but I can’t put a picture in a blog post!!! grrrr #alltheswearwords

edit on the edit// All fixed…sort of 🙂 thank you sir for once again knowing all the things that I do not! :))