Today I managed to throw away an entire year. I didn’t mean to: it just happened completely unintentionally. One second it was there and the next it was gone. For an entire year I sat at my desk and I worked and spoke and I taught and I breathed and I adventured and learned and I grew and I made a new life and I met so many wonderful people that I love so much: I created an existence and found a new version of me. However, each and every day I sat in the spot where a few months earlier I sat and slowly shut down. I folded inside out and used my spinny work chair as the substantiating force I needed to stay on the ground since it felt for so long like gravity no loner worked properly. I sat at that desk for a year and fell the fuck apart and put myself back together (more than once) and right behind me in large print and bright colours, hitting me in the temporal lobe every time I turned around was this bloody calendar that at one point was the thing that helped me feel well. This stupid calendar was silently forcing a countdown to days I no longer need to remember: dates attached to things that just need to take a hike from my brain. Birthdays and moving days and the days the arguments happened and the days bad news arrived and the days that the world fell out from under my feet and the knowledge that I will never ever set my feet back on the ground the same way again because the world can’t repair itself after a loss like that. I experienced loss and grief and trauma and that is what happened me and everyday the days and anniversary of those days were getting me. I didn’t know and I didn’t pay attention to what those dates were doing to me and what sitting at the desk in that space looking at the things that filled the space was doing to me.
Today as I packed my desk and shelves and sorted through “stuff” to move to a new office this weekend I started to notice I felt lighter with each box I closed. With each recycling bag I tied shut I could breathe a little easier and I figured out what was happening, and I started packing faster: I just wanted to be done. I wanted “that” gone: All the guilt and shame I felt for being sad about sad things. The feeling of being though of as weak for being afraid of being hurt again. I was angry and I wanted to be angry and I was and that was OK but I didn’t want to feel “wrong” anymore for needing what I needed and getting what I needed. Today felt just like the day I closed the door to the place I called home for so long and felt safe for the first time in my life but couldn’t anymore: the faster I could get done and get out that meant the faster I could close the door. Closing the door wasn’t a goodbye or an ending: it was the beginning it just took me a bit to understand that. Today, closing the door to the space I hid for the worst most horrific 365 days of my life by packing it in boxes and ripping that fucking calendar off the wall and shoving it into a garbage bag WAS goodbye. I didn’t know I was waiting for goodbye and I wasn’t looking for it: It found me and I am glad and I feel better and its bizarre but I feel like in that garbage bag with that calendar also went a whole bunch of other stuff that needed to go to. Gravity feels like its not working again but this time it doesn’t feel so scary. I don’t know or understand how I did this. Maybe I am magic or maybe I have a deep seeded connection to the universe and when I threw the dead plant out last week I did something to shift some energy from matter to spirit and fixed the booga booga? Maybe when I tripped and fell last week and felt like I was having a mini heart attack because I almost went off the break wall (never walk alone people…it’s dangerous) maybe I skipped myself back on to my path?? Who knows! but I am gonna go with magic. I’m gonna go with the absolute knowledge that the mind is a magical organism that can trick you and fool you and hold you in place for as long as you need to be there to learn what you need to learn and then, with the simple act of making a micro change like throwing away a calendar or a bigger change like a change in space, it will release you. Magic.