I’m All By Myself

And that is so perfectly perfect for me. I will be honest: at first it wasn’t. The first few moments were not perfect. It was late when I arrived (lesson learned fly out early arrive when it’snot dark). I was hungry and tired and lost. I was lost. This was nothing I had ever experienced before. It was loud and everyone was…having a good time. My phone did not work: no signal at all, apparently a very common issue in this part of the island. I didn’t have wifi permissions set and had to wait until morning. I was worried people were worried about me: not actually sure they were, but still I worried. However, I didn’t try to figure anything out: I went to bed. I couldn’t do anything about my problem at that moment so I put it away. This is what I have been trying to do. I had a problem and I literally couldn’t just call or text someone and have them reassure me. I had to do that myself. I did. I woke up in the morning and went for a walk and watched the sunrise. I had a Pina colada before breakfast and then I figured it all out. I found my way around and made the decision I belong here. This is as much for me as it is everyone else. I’m not entirely alone here (there is actually very little privacy) I met a few people on the flight and bus ride here. Lovely people who I have seen several times so far and stopped and chatted and had a drink with! I learned very quickly it’s no secret in a resort when you are solo: you sit by yourself at breakfast and people catch on! I have noticed that most of us “solo girls” are here alone for the purpose of serenity and quiet and reflection. A few ladies and men: not so much!! It’s awesome! A slight nod of the head across the pool with a woman this afternoon confirmed this for me: we were sitting directly opposite each other. Having an occasional drink, reading, journals tucked under our deck chairs. Enjoying short conversations with the people beside us; but relishing the moments the conversations died down (feigning sleep works!). She caught my eye at one moment as I told a very nice man that, no thank you! I don’t feel like a walk along the sea right now: and yes it does sound romantic and everything, but I think I will pass for now! Thank you for the drink I won’t be drinking sir!! She looked at me and nodded her head. She’s been here before. She’s done this a time or two and recognizes how uncomfortable it is at first. How important it is. How fucking empowered you feel while doing this. That nod said “good for you. You do you sister. You got this”. I smiled at her. I was proud that a complete stranger was proud of me. Thank you lady for noticing.  I would guess that 1 out of 50 people here are solo travelers. Not many, but enough that you notice us. I have felt a few times that I almost had to gratify my choice to come alone. I felt the need once to almost explain myself and my aloneness: but I haven’t yet. I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy the company I have had so far. I enjoy sitting and watching people interacting with each other. I do not so much enjoy over intoxicated barely adult people throwing up in bushes and peeing in the pool but I take all that with a grain of salt and find a less ruckus’s place to sit. I shared dinner tonight with a pair of women I met in the airport and I have plans to swim in the ocean with another group tomorrow: with assurances I won’t get sucked out to the middle. I have been invited on excursions and to shows. People at resorts want to hang out with people: it’s great. It’s also great that when you decline, no one gets upset or hurt by that. Everyone is here for something. It only been a day. I am already relaxed and feeling better. I feel full. Full of life and food and myself: I’m allowed to be full of me sometimes. Tomorrow is a day to start to do some of the thinking i came to do. I’m looking forward to look forward. I have eaten 3 very delicious meals today. I walked 4 miles on the beach before breakfast. I have a sunburn on my nose and sand is everywhere. I’m a happy, calm, full and tired girl. 

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