I’m Going on a Cool Adventure

I am a list maker and a pre-planner and an over-thinker. I’m scared of so many things I actually make people scared of me. I scare myself out of living. I don’t live I exist: except this time. In T-minus ummm…. 57-ish hours I am going on a last minute vacation. I am going to go to the airport and go through security. I am going to actually get on the plane…and then get off the plane. I’m getting off the plane in a tiny airport (that apparently looks ghetto to some people) in a foreign country. In a place I have never been. Different culture and language and customs. I am doing this alone. I have never been anywhere (OK I made it to Columbus Ohio last year…) before this. I have never seen the ocean before and never been to a resort before. I am going to spend a few days on a beach surrounded by complete strangers. I am going to eat with people I don’t know. I am going to attempt a tan….which means bikini: yikes. I am going to put my feet in the ocean. I am going to talk to people? and make friends with people? and have fun with people?? Take chances, make mistakes and get messy. Oh. God.  I have put myself completely out of my comfort zone in every aspect of all things: me. I don’t take chances. I don’t want to make mistakes and I don’t get messy (unless I’m crying). I don’t talk to people: I don’t know how. I don’t go places alone: I might get lonely and not have anyone to talk to.  I don’t walk in to rooms first; someone else has to go first. I don’t show up to places where I don’t know anyone there or my way around or how things work. I need a plan and a list and to be prepared and ready to go with little room for error or forgetting things.  I certainly don’t like when people hand me things and I can tell there will be many people handing me things. I don’t wear clothing that attracts attention to me; I don’t like attention. I don’t like situations where I have to be bold and daring and out going. I am going to do all these things. I have put myself outside my comfort zone: which is obviously very small and there are many rules, on purpose. I don’t like my comfort zone anymore. I don’t want to be there anymore. When I was talking with someone about this trip over and over I was told: Robyn, you will be fine. Everyone there will be nice. You will find people to talk to. Everyone there is looking to just chat with people…there are no expectations. AND THEN: “Remember, no one knows you there. These are people you will never see again. And remember they don’t know your story so you can just relax and have fun and you will be great!” Great…I can be great for these people. I can pretend to be great: but wait holy crap!!! I said not so politely, imagine how good and easy this would all be for me if I WAS great…why aren’t I great? I could be great? I can be great actually…I might actually be great. Huh. Shit. I am actually kinda great. I’m a lot of things already that make me great. So why do I think I am not? Why am I afraid to walk in to a room? Why am I afraid of going to a new place alone? Why am I so nervous to talk to people? Why do I worry that people will notice me? Let them notice me!! There is actually a lot of good things to notice about me. Also: screw being great for “those people” I’m great for me.  I don’t need to pretend or fake anything. I’m good the way I am. So I’m going to a beach in Cuba for the first time ever all by myself and I am going to have a great time. I’m going to take the chances and make mistakes and most likely get a little messy: drinks. I leave in 57-ish hours and all I have done so far is make a plan to get to the airport and throw most of what clothing I THINK I should bring (including the out of the ordinary for Robyn black bikini) in the general direction of my suitcase.  The list I made of what I know I need to pack and buy is in the pile of unfolded beach clothes and I will get to it later today maybe. I’m not in a rush…I have so many hours still. If I don’t bring “the right dress” or the shoes I pick aren’t “perfect” I will still have a good time. I’m not going there to impress people or pretend I am something I am not.  I’m so excited to go. I’m looking forward to the break. I’m actually eager to meet new people that I will never meet again. I’m curious about the food and the mojitos. I’m very much looking forward to being alone for awhile. I have lots to think about and some decisions to make that I just can’t make here surrounded by familiar and usual and I need some space and freedom to do that. It’s time.  I’m ecstatic I have given myself this opportunity. I am so grateful for the encouragement I have had and will continue to have.  I am  indebted for the help I have had to finally understand that I am already great. I don’t need to be told that. I don’t need to earn that: I am already that. I don’t need to change the parts of of me that are already here: I need to add more: more great. Either people see that in me or they don’t:  It’s their loss?? Nah.. the loss always stings and it’s every ones equally, But I’m not afraid to be great anymore.  This has been one of those BOOM..there it is…right there: the obvious. Yeah…it just took me a minute or 30 something years or whatever to get there. I’m going to put on the bikini and the party clothes and have a good time. It’s going to be great. I should probably go pack I guess…how many pairs of sandals do I need anyway?? :/

i should pack

15/365

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