Today I told myself I was going to be brave

I had a bad day yesterday. That is OK. I have allowed myself permission to have bad days: not everyday can be great and some days are going to remind that hard is hard. That was  one of those days. I couldn’t get away from it. I could not overcome it. I could not rise above. I could not stop thinking everything and everyone was out to get me. I was miserable and I was, probably on purpose, making everyone around me miserable as well. I’m sure it was frightening, I am sure it was horrible to watch/listen/read what i was experiencing. I love my people. all my people: they all understood. They all stuck with me. Every. Single. One of them. I simply adore my people!!! Thank you my people. I decided this morning when I woke up that today was going to be a good day. Nights that are long and filled with time to think about important things and feel them and hold them and choose what to let go of allow enough time as well, to set certain changes in motion. I was going to make what felt abhorrent to me: good again. I wanted change and I was going to drive the change. I was going to be brave. I showered and got dressed. Makeup (soooo much make-up) and hair done. Went to work. That was exhausting. I apologized to my people: (I am so sorry). That was hard. I made some decisions about somethings: let somethings simply, go: let somethings be: let something matter. No more asking questions that don’t matter. Trust. Be Patient. Always expect an abundance: of all of the things I feel I deserve. That was brave. I made a choice and a plan to be brave and I feel good about my choice. I don’t know what this means in regards to not having a bad day like I had. I don’t know if this choice will be enough; but I have to try.  Perhaps I am even desperate at this point to reset my brain: to train the other parts to do what the sad, broken and lonely parts just can not do right now. I want to learn to be comfortable with being alone with myself.  I want to learn to take big steps alone: I have taken many already thus far; but I need to learn to walk further. I want to learn to forgive myself for what I deem my mistakes to be. I want to learn to, quite simply, love. Call it a journey. Call it a test. Call it and experiment, Call it silly because to most, it is really not that big of a deal: call it whatever you like…but I solemnly swear it does not matter to me, because this is my story not yours. My story will be written by me for me. I am the princess in the tower that sometimes needs to be saved, I am the heroine who saves the day, I am the dragon waiting to be slayed and I am the castle. I decided it is alright sometimes to need to be saved. I decided it is just as alright to need someone to stand by my side and watch me save myself. I am the writer of this story and the narrator and the reader all at once. I am going to make this story what I need it to be. Call it a last minute Eat, Pray, Love journey. I assure you there will be attempts in eating, the praying will come in the form of reflection and focusing and the love will come from learning to love me again: I have so much love to give it is time for that to be my own: I deserve it most. My bravery in this instance came with support and encouragement from someone who already has found their inner hero and slayed their own dragon: with promises that I would be safe: I would make it: I would be OK: I will find something useful in this journey: That I could do this. I believe you. I can do this. I will do this. I clicked the button.

eat pray love

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s