I was given this really cool pack of daily affirmation cards for Christmas this year from one of my super awesome-life changing-also beautiful!!! Co-op students. They are called Affirmators! and the have a unicorn on the box: Best. Gift. Ever. I have been posting a few of them on Instagram and having fun with them. The card i drew yesterday at random using my own little bit of sorcery to determine which one to pick sort of took me by surprise.
Patience. Yesterday was a day i required much patience. Patience is something I have been asked to have more of. This shook me a little: I am a believer of things happening for us right when they need to for a specific purpose…either that it its a crazy random happenstance and I am just being weird. I think its the former. We all need patience. If we didn’t have it we would spend our time here on this earth in a constant state of panic (I think I have made it evidently clear that this is where I live most of the time. I do not want to live here anymore and I am trying with all my strength and might to leave this place. It stinks here). I have very little patience anymore. It is one of the many…many things about me that I would like to improve on. Self improvement is a good thing: sometimes. Sometimes we can get carried away and take those things to an extreme. It’s dangerous. I know this all too well. To me, learning to be patient is a big step towards helping me with other part of me. Questions is: How does one learn patience? I’ve googled it. I have read books about it. I have just tried to be more patient: that only lasts for about 37 seconds and I end up snapping. I am very snappy. My patience can, at this point, be compared to an uncooked piece of spaghetti: very thin, very fragile and once its gone…it’s gone. I don’t like this either. I try during situations and times that require substantial amounts of patience to breath, to focus, to count, to remind myself of the many reasons I am trying to be patient. I try to ask myself if I was in the other persons position what would I need? How would I feel if I was being pestered or bothered or watched constantly or even not seen as trustworthy: this helps. Empathy I have…much to my detriment sometimes. Trust. There is much trust involved in being patient. Trust is hard as well. Trust the situation. Trust the person. Trust that whatever “it” is the person I am trying to be patient with is doing, that they have the best intentions in mind: my best intentions. Being impatient does not feel good. It feels uncomfortable to me. it feels distrustful and I want to live in a space where I can trust people and situations. It makes my hands sweaty and my heart race. My mind wanders to the worst of the worst and I end up “crystal balling” the outcome and exhausting myself and, quite frankly, pissing people off. It feels quite gross: Disgusting. Having my impatience pointed out feels just awful. I know I am. I know best about the the “things” that need fixing. I am sorry. I am trying. I don’t know if I have always been impatient. I certainly hated waiting for Christmas morning. I hated waiting for it to be time to leave for somewhere fun. I was always good at taking turns though: I was fair. I think I still am fair….just very impatient. Very negative…very distrustful. Life has not been…laid-back as I would like it to have been. I have always had to kind of look out for myself and other people. It wasn’t very often I felt looked after. The few times I did, well…here I am. I think thats why I crave order and calm: I become impatient when things aren’t that way. I become impatient waiting for the feeling of those things. I don’t like when things feel uncomfortable. I don’t like when the risk of shit going sideways is high: If I can just “do the thing” or not have to wait for an answer, I feel more in control. I need the feeling of control: probably because things have felt so out of control for awhile now. When I don’t feel like I am in control of me…more specifically when I feel like other people are in control of “me” I feel that uncomfortable feeling: that is distrust I suppose. I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I know its not healthy. I know people perceive my impatience as being bossy and controlling and probably just make me seem hard to get along with and work with or live with…and like I am just a big ol’ bitch. Maybe I am. Maybe this is self preservation? Maybe I just need to calm the hell down and learn to let things happen? Ha. That’s funny. I know I am learning slowly. I am being as patient as I can with myself: the problem is I don’t have much trust in myself or my decisions these days. It’s almost as if before I can learn to be patient I need to learn to have some faith in “me” but that journey is daunting and time consuming and requires a huge amount of trust and patience and trial and error….and I don’t like how that feels. Its this huge juggling act and I cant juggle: I am not coordinated and I am too afraid of being smacked in the face: literally and figuratively; both have happened often. For that reason I guess, I find it hard to patient with others. I’ve said it a million times: Life is hard….patience seems harder. I am trying. Be patient (and gentle) with me. (Oh…I shoved this card under Buddah’s bum and begged for his guidance!…here’s hoping it helps!)