It’s “my face hurts” cold

I’m complaining. I’m sending a letter to whoever it is that has made it so cold that the zoo has to move the penguins INSIDE…Penguins INSIDE (slams hand on desk like Granny!!!). Arctic creatures…it’s too bloody cold for them: it’s too bloody cold for me. I am perpetually cold. My hands have been classified as ice paws. I can use them as weapons of torture if I choose to. In fact, I have been contacted by evil war lords asking to hire me to help with torture. I live in Canada. I live in the snow belt. I live where its so cold it makes your face hurt and your nostrils freeze shut and tears that run out of my eyes 3 times a day freeze to my cheeks. I have permanent white spots on my face from the frost bite I procured as a child. I have mastered the art of letting my teeth chatter to stop the full body convulsions I feel when I am cold. I have never not lived here…it’s always been this cold. Why now is it getting so hard to endure this? Is it global warming that is making mother nature hate us so much? Is it because i am getting old and just can’t handle it anymore? (Jeeze oh man! What am i going to be like when i am actually old?) Do I need to condition myself for the cold better? Should I be sitting in a snow bank for 5 minute increments and gradually increasing the time until I am better able to regulate my body temperature? (pretty sure I won’t be doing this!) I have taken to being that kid that wears snow pants everywhere I go: there is a good change underneath those snow pants are my pajamas so please, don’t ask to me to come in to visit! I have taken to wearing my toque (Hi from Canada!) indoors. I wear a blanket scarf like its a cape (I am Wonder Woman inside my head. Leave me alone) I am constantly asking my kid if shes warm enough even though I can see her sweating from the sweater I make her wear just because I am cold. Clearly I am a baby. I need to do some stride jumps to get my blood flowing. It’s only January 6th and I am already counting the days until April. I miss the rain that I complained about all summer. Maybe I am actually a bear and I am supposed to hibernate until spring. I’m ok with that actually! Can someone write me a note for work telling them I will be back when it’s warm because of reasons? That probably wont work. Oh well…at least I dont have to do my hair when i just shove in a hat!!! Blanket scarf ahoy!!

It’s cold and perma bitch face has been established.


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