Always On My Mind

This journey of becoming self aware ( I have been on this journey since I was a chubby good-natured  baby) has wholly overtaken me I think. I, at times, find myself trapped inside my own mind trying to make sense of what’s happening around me: its rather beautiful. For a very long time I was asked to think a certain way and I, as most of us do, simply accepted that and followed the instructions given at the time. As I grew and became more able to think on my own, began to question certain things. I didn’t have the wherewithal to take those questions any further than just wondering. A period of time passed, and circumstance allowed me a chance to do just that: ask and wonder and seek answers. As most beliefs are, mine is highly personal so I won’t go into detail: I do not discuss politics or beliefs: I don’t like conflict and I am not a debater! That being said, I believe in a plan and a path that was set for me 1000 years of this time ago. I know there is a reason for “me” and learning and discovery are an integral part of them.  It was later in life that I started to understand what I do and because of that I feel like I missed out on many import things. I find myself reflecting on the past and what I “should have” seen or noticed at certain times. I started to see the world as being completely new: to me it was. Every moment of everyday was exciting and filled with things to be discovered. I saw the world as being bright and shiny and it wasn’t as frightening to me anymore: without knowing what I was doing I was stopping fear from making my choices for me. To someone who had always viewed the world this way I am sure I was, to be honest, simply annoying. Perhaps it was cute for a minute to watch me discover this brand new world; but much like a parent who tires of their toddler handing them every pebble on the beach when they just want to relax, it probably got old pretty fast. I do what I do and I read and I wrote and I pondered and I disappeared inside my head and into my dreams: while I slept I was still discovering. I became braver and more curious and more grateful everyday about what I now knew. There were parts that were still frightening and so many things I didn’t understand that I accept as things maybe I am not meant to know: I find this frustrating. I hold the conversations and the answered questions that I had and the insights I was helped to have close to my heart: they are now an integral part of my make up. Every moment of frustration I have felt when I was proven “wrong” make me laugh out loud now: for them I am grateful. To learn I can just not be afraid of something new simply by asking myself “How can you be scared of something you have never experienced before” is, well, pretty damn ridiculous. I only had to have that pointed out 675 times before I finally got it. (Ya, there were a lot of #THATSDUMB moment: there will be more) Letting go of control and the need to know what’s next and learning to accept that before I can worry about tomorrow I need to live today and imbibe the beauty in it first; is a tricky one. I’m still trying to find that balance: somethings you need to worry about (or so my life insurance lady tells me) but there are so many things I can’t worry about…many things that don’t actually matter. You need to take from those moments just what you need and let the rest go: matter to spirit. We have to trust our path. Maybe though, I need to learn to walk a little faster and quit focusing so much on the details (truthfully though: some people maybe to need to slow down just a wee bit: it’s not a race to the end), but it still ok to stop and smell the roses or pet a puppy or snuggle a kitty!

 

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