Aha! Or not…..

This is not 2 posts in one day…I forget to auto set my post to post yesterday and screwed up my flow!)
I wrote an email…well a reply to an email, today: shocking! I usually, in the course of a slow day, send at least 20 emails. Why was this one significant? Simply because I made a funny haha joke and 20 minutes later had another one of those “aha! moments” that have been making my head explode like a packet of Pop Rocks dumped in a can of Diet Coke. Do not try this. I have tried this. The mess was ridiculous. And now I want Pop Rocks…great. So…this joke…it wasn’t even funny really. I said something like ”I’m all rapid cycley- like a Katy Perry song. You know hot and cold, yes and no, up and down, angry as fuck and then all super frigging chill…” something like that. The aha!: was that I really wasn’t kidding. I am all over the place. I have so much pent up energy and crap flopping around in my brain because there is just so much happening right now that I’m finding it difficult to focus on one thing. A new home purchase that I am still not super sure about. Christmas Holidays = no normal work days for 14 days, a big change that is coming next week that, again, I am not so sure about but really have no choice. A teenage daughter SIGHING 78 times a days that shes soooo bored but doesn’t want to do anything!!! Really kinda awful family stuff that requires some bravery and thinking before i can talk about it to anyone. I really need to but…it’s tough. Money stuff I’m not used to (that sounds bad and stupid but 2 incomes to one is a change) The absolute and utter frustration of spending so much time cleaning up messes that aren’t mine…it makes me so angry. Weird other stuff that is just keeping me up too late at night and quite frankly keeping my heart in my throat that is really just…bizarre. Stuff…like normal stuff…all deal-able with stuff (the heart in the throat stuff needs to calm it’s ass down though!). It’s all the kind of stuff that other people are dealing with…all stuff I will get through with no problem at all! But still…it’s a bit overwhelming. You know mostly, I love aha! moments. They are teachable learning moments. At work we get pretty excited about them actually! Ya, not this time. I do not want to be a Katy Perry song thank you very much…at least not like this. I would like to be hot but not cold: cold sounds awful. Besides its already 40 below stupid here right now. I would like to up but not down. Down sounds, again, awful. I think I spent a minute or 2 there this last little while and I would like to not return. In or out?? I’m not sure: I used to be the “out girl” I think. Super chicken. Afraid of everything and anything new: I went over that yesterday, I’m doing my best to fix that! I would like to say I am the “I’m IN! kinda girl now but I amnot sure yet. I am sure the opportunity to prove this to myself with arise soon enough. I will wait patiently!! I would like to be IN somewhere that isn’t cold and dirty and paint smelly and loud and full of people…not much I can do about that though; so I deal I guess. (Ain’t nothing but a thing??) I would LIKE calm. I would like clean and peaceful and private and organized. I would like some order to this chaos I am living in: this too will come. I know. Patient. In the mean time: I shove my headphones in as far as they will go and crank the sound so loud it makes me dizzy (I still need better ones that are wireless and block out the other sounds around me….it’s literally driving me up the wall: also these ones shock my ear-holes when its staticky and my brain does not need any damage. I am fairly certain I am I one busted neuron away from having problems). So for now, I say yay! I am a homeowner!! (actually I am the banks bitch for the next 30 years!) I ignore the dog that makes me so angry. I look past the clutter and stare at the clean new paint. I write lists and make plans and check my bank account 108 times a day to reassure myself that I can do this. I give the grumpy teenager the Netflix password and will just deal with the internet bill when it shows up. The family stuff is never going to stop so I’ll just learn to deal with it or ignore it like the rest of them do. Heart in throat stuff? Fuck: I don’t know…I just swear a lot and take a bubble bath to calm the heck down? Big change thing: Be a KESHA song!! Not afraid, one page at a time, don’t apologize, this is me…ok that was a mash-up but still. The money stuff: I will never have enough so whatever!! I guess I just keep writing. I found a book today that I was gifted to help me write and I’m super excited to start using it again (life tends to pull us away from these important to us things. I won’t let that happen again. I keep playing with paint and seeing what I can do with that. I keep with my think positive mantra. I keep working and waiting for adventure…maybe I will make it to Iceland one day 😦 Pretty sure I’m going to be the Katy Perry song whether I like or not. Maybe I should lay off the caffeine? Nah…it’s probably the only thing keeping me going at this point. Life is beautiful chaos…I just liked it better when the chaos was, maybe, less chaotic all the time. :))
4/365

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