Oh my LANTA I am trying. Some moments on some days when for no reason at all (or for a very good reason like a flicker of a memory or a glimpse at a significant date or a looming reality of my new now ) the panic sets in and the gloom creeps up and I can taste the tears coming and i start sweating and feeling like Slim Shady about to have a replay of my lunch in reverse: I literally sit in my office chair and out loud say to myself “STOP IT ROBYN! For the love of all that is holy PULL YOUR DAMN SELF TOGETHER”. Then I force myself to think of the good things…count them out Robyn…give me 5…(like Luna Lovegood trying to help Harry make a Patronus charm!) and it works…mostly…there has actually been almost no throw up or tears at work in the past week!! There have actually been very few low moments and many more of the familiar happy, ridiculous, I’m sorry I made you laugh right before you had to talk-oh there I am…I am almost feeling like me again-moments. My workmates are soooo lucky to have me to share a space/hour long van ride with!
As time goes on it certainly gets easier/faster to pull myself back from the down moments. Pull myself back to the happy moments and the reality of now. That is where I live. I live in the now. The past is the past (it made me who i am and gave me the “things” I need to go forward and I am so grateful for what I brought with me but it is, nonetheless, gone and unchangeable) and now is now. And I have decided that now is good. Because I have decided there IS good. Even in the hard times; there is still good out there. The bad times can certainly be bad, hard to deal with…hard to cope with…hard to find that “thing” that will get you through times. And I don’t know how or why or where “it” came from (well yes I do…it came from finally understanding what I have been trying to understand and learn for quite sometime that I have been very lovingly and patiently guided to understand), nor do I know why “it” showed up when it did: but show up it did: There is good in this world. There is also bad or wrong or evil. BUT there IS also a space in between those places. It’s not just one or the other; either or. It doesn’t have to be and it definitely should not be. There literally is no good or bad: there is both and neither are definitive! Whaaaat???
To some, the space between is a vast expanse where people are meant to exist with balance. To me though, where I exist, is a very small space in between…a space that can almost not be quantified…a space so small it’s like the space between breathing in and breathing out: it’s there but so hard to hear and see and catch. I also believe that both views of that space, the dichotomy if you will ( 🙂 ), are absolutely believable and most definitely correct! Because I also decided, that depending on the person viewing the space…the image is different: some people say “my house is cozy” some people say “my house is soo small!” Please don’t get me wrong: I do not feel cramped or unhappy in my small space….I like it here. Maybe this tiny space I occupy helps me be good at what I do. Maybe it makes it easier to care and love and be empathetic (I always try to look at someone else’s “need” from my perspective and ask myself: if this was me what would I want someone to do for me?). Maybe it makes it easier for me to forgive or understand people/situations or look at people as the people they are now and not their past. I give everyone a chance…. because I guess I would like the same from people. This doesn’t mean I am naive. I am not one to be deluded by pretenses. I can, somehow, feel honesty and integrity in people and that means something to me. I can also feel dishonesty and judgement and hostility. First impressions are important to me but; I build that impression on my own and I don’t let myself be clouded by the judgments of others because that is what FEELS good to me. That is how I stay in my little cozy space in between where I like it…AND my space in between is not the same space as your space….and that is OK!! That’s what it’s about: finding your own space and making it what you need it to be! (holy ah-ha! moment batman!)