I Hate Deciding Things

I hate deciding things. I just simply don’t want to anymore. I want someone to decide for me: I literally give up on making decisions. I feel like right now I am the epitome of “sometimes bad things happen because you’re an idiot and make BAD DECISIONS”. So… I quit. Is that a “thing”? Can I do that? Probably most definitely not. Turns out decisions are a part of human life. Everyday our 1 billion neurons and synapses preform over 70,000 thoughts: most of them are subconscious and we aren’t even aware of them. Our lives are defined by choices and decisions. Where you are right now is mostly due to millions of micro changes that took place because of choices and decisions you made at one point in time: however, it ALSO turns out that other people’s choices and decisions affect you as well. Yay. That’s fun (sorry if it’s hard to hear me over the sound of the big giant ass bitter bus I am riding right now). It’s fun (not at all fun: it’s the opposite of fun) because in these situations you have no choice but to start making choices and decisions to counter act the other persons choices. It’s not fun because then you feel like saying things like “it’s not fair. I don’t deserve this (ahem hem… I MAY have said this phrase 234,766 times in the last 9 weeks). Why me? This is stupid…which leads to where I am now…I don’t just want to anymore. I don’t want to decide. I “don’t want to” a lot of things right now because it’s not fair. It is stupid. I sure as fuck don’t deserve this. I certainly did not ask for this and I am DEFINITELY not experiencing this because I am an idiot or made a bad choice: “This” is simply the result of 1 million micro choices and changes that happen to have affected me at this time. That all being said: It also turns out I literally, no matter how much I don’t want to: simply do not have a choice but to make a choice. The choices I must make now are also huge-normous life altering- financially involved decisions. The problem is making “forced” choices this way makes me feel angry and sad and scared and hurt all at once. Making decisions right now when I feel like I do and I am not thinking clearly or straight at all is really REALLY difficult because I am so terrified of making another choice that will shoot me sideways down fuck-up-ally all over again…again. Right now I don’t even know how to make a damn decision for myself without having to consider whether someone else will be ok with my choice or decision and then I suddenly remember it no longer matters because I am the only affected by this decision now which makes me feel alone and the grief starts to kick in,  which brings me back to angry about WHY i feel this way and then I get angry that I am angry because I HATE being angry because it’s counter productive and I say mean things and tell people to fuck off when I don’t actually mean it (well…I did mean it in the please go away sense but I could have been nicer about it…I’m very sorry) and then I feel sad and I still haven’t made a decision and I am tired of making decisions because of others people decisions. I already make so many “aware” choices in a day. I decide every single day that it is going to be a good day and try my hardest to make choices that make that happen. I decide that I am going to stay true to my integrity and be a good person (minus the whole fuck off thing…but seriously…) and not set out to hurt anyone with my choices. I decide to be kind. I decide to care. I decide to love unconditionally those who love me the same way because I deserve to be loved like that and I have so much love to give. I decide to try my hardest not to lose hope. I decide to continue to try to find good in people when I know it’s there…even if it hurts sometimes…until I just can’t anymore: then I decide to let go to keep myself as ok as I can. I decide to forgive myself for my mistakes and errors in judgement; learn from them and move on from them. I decide to forgive others for the same but not to let myself forget. I decide things everyday and everyday I have to keep deciding to keep deciding to choose what feels right instead of what is easy most of the time. And now I have to decide to decide to go forward and carry this hurt (that I will get used to feeling someday) and this anger (that I will change to learning) and these deep rooted scars from so much loss in such a short time and so many lies that I have lost trust in people again that will eventually fade but never fully heal because they are now a part of the “me” I am slowly finding) and I just don’t want to make that decision: turns out though, I don’t have a choice but to focus on this moment as it is now, not expect: but except and move forward. Understand I can’t change what “is”; anymore than I can change what “was”.

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