I simply forgot how hard this is. Sitting here for hours staring at a screen, reading and re-reading articles and journals and textbook entries looking for a fact I KNOW I READ SOMEWHERE!!!! Then spending hours…LITERALLY hours pouring over the 3000 word essay looking for errors in punctuation or grammar or the ever elusive and dangerous dangling participle. The moment I submit the “thing” to the tutor drop box gives only a fleeting sense of relief because thats when the REAL PANIC begins: Will she hate it? Did that suck as bad as I think it sucked? OMG It totally sucked. She hates me!!! OH my Lord in heaven I think I forgot to reference that one thing…I’m going to jail now for plagiarism. I’m too pretty for jail!! Do they let you bring your own shampoo to jail? This lasts for days. Until the moment the email comes to alert me the “thing” has been marked and “Comments await you from your tutor”. Oh. No….
This is hard. My back hurts from sitting (I need a new chair). My eyes hurt from reading (I guess I should have replaced my glasses when I lost them a year ago). I have eaten FAR too many Jelly Belly jellybeans (Can you get a bag of JUST cinnamon flavoured Jelly Bellys??…because DAMN!). I am terrified I am not cut out for this. What if I can’t do this? I am way too critical of myself and even though I promised myself I wouldn’t get upset over marks because this in University not community college…here I am: upset over marks (when the 10 year old has to remind you that no one is perfect and therefor there is no such thing as a perfect mark and anything over an 75 is really great….thats a problem). I’m not exactly sure yet how to balance family and house stuff with work and full time school. I know at some point something is going to suffer as a result of this crazy juggling act I am preforming but the real problem remains: none of those things can suffer. They simply can’t.
This is hard right now. I know it will get easier as time goes on. I know I will figure this out. I still don’t fully understand why a dangling participle is so bad…and maybe I never will. Maybe thats ok. Maybe I don’t have to have all the answers to all of the things right now. Maybe for right now the only answer is that right now this is hard…but someday it won’t be.