Just when you think hey! Things are actually great for a change…Murphy’s Law comes along and gives you a high five!..in the face…with an aligator. 2012 ended for me as badly as it possibly could. One of the most beautiful souls that ever ever graced this earth was taken from us because of a horrible, preventable catastrophe (I REFUSE to call it an accident). I can’t even begin to understand that. My family has been ripped into pieces and shreds yet again by divorce…for reals, two of my siblings are going through it right now….and my heart is broken into pieces. It kills me to see this…it’s September 2007 all over again and I again can’t understand why. Seriously…why? What’s the point? This all happened literally the last week of 2012. We all spent New Years Eve waiting for the year to end so we could try and move on and forget it rather that celebrating it like everyone else. Midnight came and went but the sad stuff stayed. Damn it. I am so glad my family has it together enough to be able to be there for each other. We are a united front: always have and always will be. Distance seems to mean nothing to us when crisis mode kicks in. I don’t know where I would be today if it weren’t for them and I only hope that I have been able to offer them the same support, love and good advise they give to me everyday. I love my family more than life itself. After all, what would life be without the love from your family: blood or by choice, life is love and love is life.
Having lived through what I have (and I say lived in the literal sense because if there ever was a chance I might give up and let go that was it) I can look back now and see the errors in judgement I made in my past relationships. I can also see clearly the lessons I have learned. I can see the pain and fear my family went through watching me self destruct. I can see the friendships I lost because of the choices I made listening to my heart instead of my head. I pray each night for the courage, strength and wisdom( the tattoo on my left shoulder is there for a reason) I need to carry on in this life and not make those mistakes again. When my little angel comes home sad and hurt by the way her other parent is choosing to live his life, and allows himself to be treated as well as how he treats his family: I hold back the tears to appear to be strong and explain to her that in this world some people just don’t think they deserve love so they can’t give it out easily. Ignorance is self defence sometimes. I beg that she learns from me to accept the love that people give you and let it make you stronger. Let it make you feel whole and safe. Take life’s moments as they come: don’t crystal ball the future and try and force life to be what it won’t. Life is short and can be taken away without warning, so enjoy each and every moment, even the ones that cause pain. Believe that what happens happens for a reason and don’t waste time trying to figure out what the reason is. Take from each moment a lesson and then let it go. Tear down the walls that you build for protection: but only when you are ready, not when you are lonely. Lonely and ready are after all two completely different things. Trust me, when you’re ready you will know.
Life is funny sometimes. Just when you think “Hey! things are actually going great for a change!” someone amazing sends you the most kick ass “mix tape” of the century then asks you out via blog post…check yes? or no?. Life IS funny. It’s sad and scary and dangerous and moves by too fast and hurts you when you need it to help you. Life can also be beautiful….you just have to see the beauty hidden in the places you least expect.