Open Letter to you-know-who (NOT that one, the other one)

I see it everywhere I look because I see you everywhere I look. The smiles and heads held high. I see you checking quickly to make sure it’s you he’s looking at. Making sure no one else is looking back. He doesn’t though. His eyes are down. When he steps away from you for a moment, how quick you are to follow, to reach out and pull him back. I catch you looking at me too. wondering what I must be thinking? Is she upset by us? Sad? Good! That’s what you want.You want me sad. Your very happiness seems to depend on it. Maybe it does. Maybe you know the moment you slip up and don’t look, if you let go for a moment too long his eyes might look up and see in my eyes what I see in his every time: Surprise, pain, I’m so sorry, I miss you, this is wrong, I’m sorry, I am sad. He’s sad. Tired he call’s it. Tired from working. Working to work or working to pretend? It’s work to do that all the time. Maybe it’s not pretend though. We accept the love we think we deserve after all. I am tired too. I don’t want to play this game anymore, it’s no longer fun. I sit and wait for it to be my turn. I am waiting for a worthy playmate. Hold my calls! I may be here awhile. I promise to play fair and to not cheat. I won’t be a bad winner either. I was raised better than to gloat over my triumphs. Be proud of yourself but don’t make others feel badly because they have less. Is that it? Do you think I have less than you? The only things I am lacking compared to you, are those that I don’t want to have. I am not afraid for the end: it already came and I survived. I have no concern about trust and honesty: those who love me aren’t capable of that kind of deceit. I can say for certain when I wake up in the morning, that when I go to sleep that evening my heart will be unchanged. I will be without pain or fear or having had to endure confrontation. I will be at peace knowing that I made my day as positive as I could with as much or as little affect on people as I choose. My sadness is my own and no one else can cause it but me. My happiness and joy are there to share with whomever I choose, or choose not, to share it with. I am not lacking in anything at all, so please don’t look so smug and proud while you linger on the edge of conversations and pleasant interactions. You radiate poison when you look down your pretentious nose at the rest of us trying to get through the end of another long day by enjoying the company of each other.  “Fake” you call me? Perhaps. Real? That’s closer to what I am. If you are afraid of loosing what you seem to hold most dear. What you seem to feel you would not be able to survive without: Good. If it’s yours, truly and wholly yours: you wouldn’t be afraid. You wouldn’t keep such a strong watch or tight hold. You wouldn’t remain on the outskirts looking in; avoiding inclusion. But you do. Afraid? I think you are. But just so you know, it’s not me you should be afraid of. Yes I know you are, so deny it if you must, but it’s clear you see me as the threat. I am, in your mind, the one with the power to undo what you have worked so diligently to hold on to. I feel I must tell you what I have learned along the way: The only person we are capable of hurting in this silly game of life game is us. You are the only ones who are capable of doing damage to that facade you call love. It takes two people to make a relationship remember? If it fails or issues arise perhaps you should look at your own flaws before blaming mine. FYI: I am comfortable enough with myself to realize that what you call “flawed” is what makes me wonderful. So going forward, if you must be where I belong, try not to leave icicles behind when you stare at me.  If you are capable of preforming with such absolute results as you have in the past, making people believe the synthetic tales you tell, surely you can force yourself to be pleasant in my company. You are after all a guest in my world. Perhaps you could attend from now on with more poise and grace. Close your mouth dear, that’s not how a lady should look.

2 thoughts on “Open Letter to you-know-who (NOT that one, the other one)

  1. You are brave and strong. I agree with you and believe you. This is your life, she’s the intruder. Stick to that. He has changed from the guy we knew. It’s like he’s not the him he was before, that person is missing. Maybe he will find you again. If not, just stay you. You are still the same! Someone will come and play nice with you 🙂 We miss seeing you.

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