Someone told me a should write a book

Or maybe it was a made for TV movie? They both sound like way too much work so I figured what the eve’s I will spill my story here! Spoiler alert!!! This is the true story of the real cause of my going completely bonkers so if you don’t really want to know things that are none of your fucking business I suggest you stop reading now. One of the greatest people of life told me I should stop being a wiener and put it all out here because it makes me feel better to do this, and quite frankly I don’t give a damn how this affects others anymore! PS… I love you man. Totally Best Friends FOREVA (with hearts and rainbows and sunshine and shit like that!!)

This tale takes place on the not so distant planet of my life, on the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity (ya that’s where I live!).  Where and when it really started I can’t be sure. My brain has done its job and erased or blocked out many of the details of a very sad and lonely time. So I only recall snippets that don’t make sense or they come back to me in the form of nightmares that still cause me to wake up alone, crying and often times are the cause for a very long sleepless night filled with asking myself why? What did I do wrong? The answer, as easy as it sounds took me years to form. I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t my fault. What is it exactly that I didn’t do? I very simply didn’t ask to be used and lied to by the person I cared most about in the entire world.

Lets go back…way back 5 years in the past. To the time I discovered(with the help of my womanly sense that all was not right in the world and a buddy that could get the history on our home pc and the one at my Dads you used to “chat” with her before work at night remotely…ya I did that. Sorry) that I was being cheated on and lied to and was about to find myself alone with 2 kids. I did what I had to and I left first. Here’s a fun fact, I knew 3 months before I actually left that I was leaving. I made a plan, I stuck to it. I saved $3500 in secret bank account. “Saved” meaning I picked and chose the bills I would pay and hid the rest. This my dear, was the real reason I didn’t pay those bills, or tell you about the refund I got on my taxes. I wasn’t bad with money, I was scared and needed to know that if I had to, I could go. And go I did the day I discovered you lied about going to work and went instead to Toronto to visit your 18-year-old college student girlfriend whom you had been screwing around with for the entire summer thinking I didn’t know. I knew… it killed me inside but I didn’t let on. So I packed, I broke things, I cancelled utilities, I cried, and finally I guess I called my family. This is where it gets hazy. Somehow my sister and her amazing boyfriend (now husband) were there helping me to go.

So fast forward a few months(because like I said I don’t remember much about that first little bit) when I should have been coping well and moving on: I wasn’t. Why? Well, it’s not because I didn’t try because I did. But you know, I must have been a lot more attached to him than I though because when he said to me “It’s hard for me to see you with someone else” I listened. Even though he had now moved this dingbat chick into his house and situated her right were I was in his life, I couldn’t be with anyone because I felt like I was hurting him. I blamed myself for the end of us. I just knew that if I had tried harder or been nicer or more understanding he wouldn’t have gone. Maybe I just gained too much weight after the baby? Maybe I looked to old because he left me for someone 10 years younger?? Every time someone would be crazy enough to attempt to break down the walls I built up around me I would scare them away by showing them just what an asshole I was. I could be cold and cruel and as unkind and harsh to people as he was to me. At least that way I couldn’t get hurt again. He and I would flip-flop almost daily from hating each other and fighting it out in court and screaming at each other over the phone to meeting each other in secret (not so secret anymore I guess!) on lunch hours and later on, late at night when kids, parents and girlfriends were asleep. All the while he stayed with her, bought a home, got engaged and I stayed cold, alone, and afraid to get hurt and still sneaking around with him whenever he would call (I never said no). I somehow managed to cope though, I got my kids as happy and settled as they could be being bounced all over Gods green earth like ping-pong balls while watching Mommy and Daddy fight over who loved them the best, I put myself through school, graduated and then found employment with a plan to continue my university in 2013. I have had my entire life worth of choices, both good and bad, thrown at me by CAS workers, the police, 2 ex husbands and their families. I have had to deal with his girlfriends crazy shit storm ranging from stalking to harassment (we are talking fake Facebook accounts, having her friends pretend to know me in an attempt to gain access to my Facebook profile, hacked email accounts, posts made on Pinterest directed at my parenting ability and pegging me as a bad person because my children and I moved in with my Dad when I went back to school). As for him and I? Well thats kinda where the real beginning of the end of this all started. I put and end to the games and sneaking around at the end of this summer. Things at work were going poorly and I was finding myself slipping into the all too familiar grasp of depression and anxiety which was only heightened by my realization that I still had feeling for him that I had never dealt with, so I told him how I felt and then said “choose. Her or me?”  I knew he wouldn’t pick me. I said goodbye for the last time. I finally said Goodbye.  5 years had gone by and I was still holding onto hope that we could still make it work. I knew I couldn’t keep going like I was so I made a choice not to. I, for the first time ever let the depression take hold and let myself feel the feelings I had hidden from myself and everyone else for a very long time. I got myself to the doctor and to a councillor or two and I am working my way out of it slowly. Sure, this may make me sound even weaker to him and her but I also decided I just don’t care anymore. I have finally decided to say goodbye to something I never really had in the first place and move on. So here is what I have to say now. To him: I forgive you for cheating but I will never forgive you for trying so hard to keep me down since then. I know that I let you do it, but I am not going to anymore. You have your life as you chose, please let me live mine. I am a good person and an excellent Mother to my children. You should be ashamed of yourself (because I certainly am ashamed of myself for listening to you) that you ever tried to make me feel less than that. To her (the dingbat):  You made the choice 5 years ago to be with a man that had a family at home and you were ok with that. You have spent the last five years egging him on in his hatred filled games and then turned a blind eye to what happened for the entire time between he and I right under your stupid nose. That too was your choice. I admit that your games of attempting to hurt me with your posts on the internet and hurtful words and rumors worked. You have probably been able to cause me to be hurt more than he has. Congratulations, you’re a bully and an asshole. When I said I forgive him I was being honest. I don’t need to forgive you because I got even and now I am done. So you, can fuck off and stay out of my life and I will stay out of yours.

So now you might wonder, as I do, how are we going to make a shared custody situation work now? Well we have tried and failed 167 and half times to figure out a way around all of this.  We have tried not speaking at all, speaking more often, emailing only, only phoning and leaving messages when the other is not home, writing letters, asking for mediation counseling….basically you name we have tried it so I don’t know the answer to that.  I am somewhat happy to say that at this point it would seem that we have agreed to disagree and just pretend the other doesn’t exist!! But we shall see what the repercussions of this post are. My hope? that things continue as they are. I wish him no ill harm, oddly enough I don’t wish either of them harm. I hope they continue to live out their lives as they want to. If they are happy together then who am I to judge. Maybe they will get married and have kids together, maybe not. I truly just don’t care anymore. Their choices are theirs to live with just like my choices are mine.  I know he loves our daughter as much as I do. I know he cares  for her and always will. I have never once been worried about her while she’s been there and know that I never will. He truly is an amazing Dad, just a really shitty boyfriend. And I am ok with that. I am going to be ok. I am going back to work, I am starting school again in a few months and can’t wait, I feel better, I look better…I am really doing ok 🙂

….

OH and something I did sort of figure out lately at counseling….Friends should NEVER date because no matter what when it ends you lose everything. I think that when people are meant to be just friends they should stay just friends and not try to make a relationship out of it, even if there is all of a sudden a beautiful baby involved. If I could go back and change things, that would be it. Instead of attempting to force “love”, we should have just raised our daughter together as friends. Because when we were friends, there was nothing we couldn’t figure out together. We let expectations of a perfect life cloud what was important and I don’t know whats going to have to happen (if anything) to get us back there just doing whats best for our kid :s we’ll get there though. We always managed before to make it work, why should this be any different.

3 thoughts on “Someone told me a should write a book

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s