…if you define “fine” as feeling like your soul as been ripped out by a rabid grizzly bear, chewed up, spit out then rolled on by a wet mangey coyote before being reattached by a plastic surgeon that fucks up celebrities boob jobs “just because I can!”…then yes! I am fine. Just. Fucking. Fine.
This place, where I am right now, happily medicated, is not so fun. It’s not bad: just not very fun. I can breathe, I can move about my day in a fashion that doesn’t let everyone know just how I am feeling, I can fake a smile and even laugh when called for. Heck, I can even TELL when it’s appropriate to laugh and when it’s not (people falling down… apparently NOT funny). Oh and sleep! Dear Baby Jesus can I sleep. I can sleep the sleep of the dead (but with more breathing and heart function) when the time is right, which happens to feel like all the damn time. There doesn’t actually seem to be enough time for sleep here. In fact if I ever leave this place I am going to find a place where there is more time fore sleep and less time fore thinking. Ah, wouldn’t that be wonderful! This place lets me see the world as is. I can see the sun shining and now I should be grateful for it’s warmth. I can watch the kids playing in the yard and riding their bicycles in the streets and see the simple joy that brings them. I can hold the pictures they paint and touch the fuzzy belly of the eleventeeth caterpillar they bring me. I can hear the sounds of the wind blowing, and the dogs barking and babies crying. I can see, hear, smell and feel the world around me, but I can’t seem to force myself to be a part of it. I am stuck right here, right inside my head. Scary no? The worst part? I think that for the first time in years I am seeing the world as it really is. I think before I was so stuck inside my made up world where everything was scary and everything and everyone was out to hurt me in someway shape or form, I blocked out the real world and hid for just a while in my own little fucked up game of hide and go seek, but I just forgot to go find myself again. Well, here I am…and I want to go back inside now. Turns out the only person out to get me, was me. Ouch. Turns out; if you lay on the ground like a door mat long enough, people WILL walk the fuck all over you. Turns out; no one is coming to save you from the dragon princess, so MAN THE FUCK UP and slay the bastard yourself.
I know I didn’t deserve all the crap that was thown at me. I know I didn’t wake up one day and ask to be a giant ball of anxiety and irrational thoughts. Some things just happen that way. Right now I am silently making a secret list of the things I can change about myself and my life, and praying to any God that will listen to give me the Strength, Wisdom and Courage I was promised to get me through this life. I am begging for the ability to to continue to be able to see the perfect beautiful things this world has to offer and not run and hide from them. Like a normal person who isn’t afraid that trees are going to fall on them every time it’s windy.
OH and I’ll let you in on a secret…1st new rule! If people hate you for no reason, Give them a reason!