I need some…like NOW. So, I googled it. ha ha. If you know me well this won’t surprise you. In my humble opinion if it’s not on the internet; it’s not real. Here’s the deal. It seems everyone else is happy right now except me. I am very simply sad. I think I have Weltschmerz and it sucks. Everything from Facebook to Beck telling me he’s a looser (baby) is making me sad. I am stuck in a rut of reminiscing about the past and frustrated that the future is not looking so hot. I have had to put my university studies on hold, imminently at this point, because of some stuff and that sucks but, I can deal ya know? Life goes on and I still have 2 great jobs and more than enough money coming in so that way we are fine. It’s the stuff causing this change (which is good stuff really, it’s just hard stuff. It’s stuff that happens all the time to other people and it’s a part of life when you are jointly raising a kid with someone that you don’t live with.) that is making me sad. It’s actually more like the stuff that happened that caused the stuff to be happening thats making me sad. Ya follow? Good. I’m glad we sorted that out. As much as I am cool with putting it all out there for the world to see I am trying to be cautious here so I don’t stick my foot in my mouth and cause problems where problem need not exist. It’s funny how things from the past can dredge up feelings; a song, a smell, a giant stuffed rabbit named Mr. Whiskers hidden in the back of a closet: all memories, all making me very sad.
Which leads me to why I needed some inspiration: I am tired of The Sad. I want out. I want to end this very abusive relationship The Sad and I have. Just so we are clear though, I don’t blame The Sad completely, because I have clung to it occasionally for the simple fact that feeling something, even sadness, is better than feeling nothing at all. I tried yesterday to get all my thoughts out of my head and put them into writing so that I could read it back and maybe it would help me sort it all out like, real feelings compared to self defeating thoughts and rational points compared to holy shit you are insane points. Smart eh? Ya, not so much. Doing that just made me feel vulnerable and scared that now someone knows just how vulnerable and scared I am. (Whoa…an enigma!!) But today I got smart. I got my google on and found my new boyfriend (sorry Mr.Sad, I move on fast). A man by the name of Johann Wolfgang von Goteth . Basically, the dude was a lyrical genius back in the day who wrote a shit ton of books and poems and was into politics and scientific theory later in his life. What made me fall for Wolfy (thats what I call him, I don’t think he would mind if he were around to hear it) is this quote:
I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humour, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanised or de-humanised. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.“
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
My take on that is: I get to choose if I am happy or sad. As a human being I have the power within me to cause a whole shit storm of pain in other people (which I may have done at some point just sayin), or bring them peace and comfort. I choose how people see me not the other way around. If I want to be treated like a good person then I had better fucking well act like a good person and treat others like they are good people. Just like Mama always said. If I want something I should go and get it instead of waiting around for it to be handed to me. So, thats how I will roll now. Thats how I should have rolled all along but bitter-jaded Robyn couldn’t see that. The mistakes I made are in the past and can stay there because I can’t go back and fix them. I can only learn from them and learn I have. I also don’t regret a single thing I have done. Again, thats my choice. If I set my sights on something or someone it won’t be a secret, because I am not going to be scared of failing or falling. It’s time to move forward, wherever forward happens to be and with whomever it happens to be with. I will be happy. Love me or hate me people that’s your choice and there is no middle ground anymore. I can’t tell you your future I can only control mine.