It’s early: earlier than you think right now. It takes me minutes to write these posts but twice or three times longer to edit and correct my atrocious spelling (I spelled atrocious so very wrong spell check was all huh????…it took a minute to spell it close enough to right for spell check to get it!). Today is the day I go. I have been packed since 4:30 pm yesterday (let’s GO NOW while I’m still brave!!) and my coat and the shoes I am wearing (well…when I decide what shoes I am wearing :s) are at the front door. Yesterday I did my last errands and paid the things that needed to be paid. I checked in with the kids school and was given so many words of encouragement and congratulations for doing this, well I cried. It was a good day. I was happy all day. I found music to keep me up..thank you Stevie Nicks. I was not polite to a few chosen people and felt good about that. I remembered at one point to tell my sister I was going…oops. Sorry. I asked a hundred thousand questions (have you ever been able to feel someones exasperation from 33 kms away??? I love me!) I remembered at 7pm i forgot to eat….did something about that. Then I went to bed…and was too excited to sleep much and now here we are. 3 cups of coffee in and I am going to regret that in a few hours. I’ll just say sorry the energy that will hit at like 11 am this morning. Sorry. At 10 am I am walking out that door. I’m not as nervous as I thought I would be. I am prepared. I made copies of all the things and will hand them off to the right person, I have left all the “just in case” information where it needs to be. The right people have the right phone numbers. I am all set. I am waiting for the few “have a good trip” texts I know I will get and I will replay with my promises to take lots of pictures and post them to let people know I am good. I know its only 5 days that I will be gone. I know everything will be fine for me there. I know too, however, that anything can happen while I am gone. In all reality that amount of time is enough time for things to go sideways. Fast. That is where my nervousness is sitting right now. It can’t though. I can’t let it. Truly, honestly I know that if things are going to sideways on e: they would go that way if I am here or there or anywhere (perhaps with Dr. Suess..). That’s a big thing to recognize. That’s a hard pill to swallow: realizing that I have sat waiting for things to wrong for such a long time. Again, it was a simple thing that corrected that thought. Basically the thing said, Robyn, the “stuff” that happened: happened. Fucking stop. That’s actually about it. Riiiight. Connect that with a book I re-read this week with all the other choices I have made and: oh crap. Right again….again. And I decide to stop. I move past it. I live. There are other things, real things, that I am nervous about today. They aren’t so silly. They are reality and experience based. I’ll get over them once they are here and then I will be good or not but I’ll deal (Anticipation is maybe a better word than nerves in this case). So I’m going. I’m getting in a car then I’m getting on a plane! I’m going to the beach!! I am excited and happy and counting the hours until I get told it’s time to go!
Nos vemos proto mis amigos!!!
You are 17 and in grade 11. You think you know it all: here’s a secret I will let you in on; you do. Already. In your short 17 years of life you’ve already been through and survived a lot. I’m sorry. Those friends you have? hug them all. Hard. For me. Hold them for just a minute longer than is comfortable and say Thank you…from us. Trust me…We will thank you later. You think you are a good kid and you are, mostly; bit of a brat, bit of a drama queen…but for the most part: you’re doing alright. You show up to school everyday even though no one is really paying any attention. You get good grades, you participate and have fun: you do great things. I might suggest you lose the plaid shirts a baggy jeans: you don’t look “grunge”: you just look sloppy. Also: do something, anything, with your hair. Oh, and black eyeliner: just no. Those friends we just talked about? Ya…they are going to show back in a few years and be just as cool and fun and caring. They don’t change too much. They all grow up great! Try not to be so afraid to be close to them: they really won’t leave you. Being as scared of people disappearing out of your life is going to cause you some…issues later. Maybe if you could get over that now we could avoid some unnecessary heartache later on. That would be nice. Oh…the teachers. THOSE teachers: ya they are going to keep showing up too. In different ways. Some of them will be your kids teachers (ya….there are kids. Don’t ask. I’ll let that be a surprise. Relax: you’ll do just fine.) You will work with some of them and interact with them through you career. It’s cool. Be nice to them. Listen to them. They are all right about everything they said (except for the whole you won’t always have a calculator thing. We showed them!) Now. The boyfriend…ya… hes great and worth it and first love is first love and I promise 20 years later it counts still! but in a few months…well, just trust me when I say that will be ok too. You are going to feel like it will hurt forever: it won’t. You’re going to do a really dumb thing after that: do it anyway. You’ll know what I mean. It’s good for you. Don’t ditch your friends for boys though…that’s dumb. Oh also: there is this guy at school. You have known him forever. Pay attention to him: he sticks around and always appears at just the right moments. He’s cool and he’s a good buddy! but who knows what could have happened there: this is hind sight being 202/20. You are kind of oblivious. Even though you’re scared and think you are too fat for the black dress: go to prom. Wear the dress. You are not fat. Maybe you could hold your head just a little higher. Again…you are oblivious to how you look to other people. All that negative crap is just in your head and you need to get it out now: all of that is going to come back and get us later. It’s not fun and it’s hard and man…it would be friggin sweet if it left us then. Tell “those” girls to fuck off also: every single one of them gets theirs: trust me. You will chuckle later. Even though you think you always have to be nice to everyone…you don’t. Don’t be like that. Maybe you could try just a little harder to talk to people and try new things. Maybe you could speak up a little more and not get pushed around so easily. Maybe you could be brave and try out for that play you are thinking about right now: we might get the part and that might make things different. Go to the parties. Please Robyn have some fun and quit being such a scaredy chicken: your friends are there too and you have each others back. You will regret not going and not trying and not making those mistakes and learning from them. (Although: Maybe you could just stay home from that one party you will go to this summer…that was not so good for us. The one you didn’t feel good about. On that note: listen to those grown ups who sound like they are being dumb and old: they aren’t wrong, you can get hurt, it will suck. You won’t listen…but we will be OK eventually). Keep reading all those books. Keep laughing at silly things. Keep being ridiculous…we are still ridiculous and its great!. It’s OK to be sad sometimes. It’s OK to be mad. Listen: none of those little changes are going to change where we end up: I don’t want them too. I like where we have been and I would not want to change most of it. It gets a little rough and we get a little lost and somethings that matter so much go away for ever and it’s going to hurt like nothing you have ever felt and it’s going to hurt forever: don’t let that scare you away from experiencing it. Listen sister, it’s not awesome right now but we’re going to be fine. I promise you, in regards to whats coming… it will be good….it will be more awesome and amazing than you can even imagine: when it gets there? don’t waste a minute of it. Do just what I did: be grateful and appreciative of every single second. Those seconds go by fast and being able to remember how they felt will get you through what happens next. You need the things you will learn and figure out and discover. You need to listen. You need to feel that stuff: Also, pay more attention to the “weird things” going on : it’s not weird. It makes sense now. Robyn, I don’t know what is coming next. I don’t know where we are going just yet: I haven’t really decided and I might not. I’m very tired you see, so I think for a while I am just going to ride this wave out and see where it takes us. As much as I am done being a pylon in this life (just standing there and watching things move around me: I’m going to be the ball!) I’m planning on just letting us roll for a little bit. Don’t worry and don’t be scared! No one decides anything for us anymore. No one is going to put us second, no one is going to let their own needs define ours: we are stronger than that. It wasn’t a mistake. Trust me we learn so much from this. Things that we need we get to keep. I promise you are doing fine…just fine. Just….can you try to see YOU for the great you that you are now? Can you look a little harder in the mirror: past the fear and the loneliness and the mistakes. Just try. Talk. Ask. Tell. Don’t hold the blame for anyone or anything. Don’t make excuses for the grown ups that are supposed to know better: they are supposed to know better. Pay attention to the birds and the music and look both ways before you cross the street. Breathe deeper and for the love of the GODS…slow the fuck down. It’s not a race. This is our one life and it goes too fast and I missed too much by trying to get somewhere and I honestly can’t remember where the hell I thought I was going. For all I know right now I am close to half way to the next leg of this journey and I feel like I might just be starting to get all this: I wish that you could get this now…then…there. You won’t. I just wish we did. I love you. Keep loving us…we need it. Stay awesome
I am a list maker and a pre-planner and an over-thinker. I’m scared of so many things I actually make people scared of me. I scare myself out of living. I don’t live I exist: except this time. In T-minus ummm…. 57-ish hours I am going on a last minute vacation. I am going to go to the airport and go through security. I am going to actually get on the plane…and then get off the plane. I’m getting off the plane in a tiny airport (that apparently looks ghetto to some people) in a foreign country. In a place I have never been. Different culture and language and customs. I am doing this alone. I have never been anywhere (OK I made it to Columbus Ohio last year…) before this. I have never seen the ocean before and never been to a resort before. I am going to spend a few days on a beach surrounded by complete strangers. I am going to eat with people I don’t know. I am going to attempt a tan….which means bikini: yikes. I am going to put my feet in the ocean. I am going to talk to people? and make friends with people? and have fun with people?? Take chances, make mistakes and get messy. Oh. God. I have put myself completely out of my comfort zone in every aspect of all things: me. I don’t take chances. I don’t want to make mistakes and I don’t get messy (unless I’m crying). I don’t talk to people: I don’t know how. I don’t go places alone: I might get lonely and not have anyone to talk to. I don’t walk in to rooms first; someone else has to go first. I don’t show up to places where I don’t know anyone there or my way around or how things work. I need a plan and a list and to be prepared and ready to go with little room for error or forgetting things. I certainly don’t like when people hand me things and I can tell there will be many people handing me things. I don’t wear clothing that attracts attention to me; I don’t like attention. I don’t like situations where I have to be bold and daring and out going. I am going to do all these things. I have put myself outside my comfort zone: which is obviously very small and there are many rules, on purpose. I don’t like my comfort zone anymore. I don’t want to be there anymore. When I was talking with someone about this trip over and over I was told: Robyn, you will be fine. Everyone there will be nice. You will find people to talk to. Everyone there is looking to just chat with people…there are no expectations. AND THEN: “Remember, no one knows you there. These are people you will never see again. And remember they don’t know your story so you can just relax and have fun and you will be great!” Great…I can be great for these people. I can pretend to be great: but wait holy crap!!! I said not so politely, imagine how good and easy this would all be for me if I WAS great…why aren’t I great? I could be great? I can be great actually…I might actually be great. Huh. Shit. I am actually kinda great. I’m a lot of things already that make me great. So why do I think I am not? Why am I afraid to walk in to a room? Why am I afraid of going to a new place alone? Why am I so nervous to talk to people? Why do I worry that people will notice me? Let them notice me!! There is actually a lot of good things to notice about me. Also: screw being great for “those people” I’m great for me. I don’t need to pretend or fake anything. I’m good the way I am. So I’m going to a beach in Cuba for the first time ever all by myself and I am going to have a great time. I’m going to take the chances and make mistakes and most likely get a little messy: drinks. I leave in 57-ish hours and all I have done so far is make a plan to get to the airport and throw most of what clothing I THINK I should bring (including the out of the ordinary for Robyn black bikini) in the general direction of my suitcase. The list I made of what I know I need to pack and buy is in the pile of unfolded beach clothes and I will get to it later today maybe. I’m not in a rush…I have so many hours still. If I don’t bring “the right dress” or the shoes I pick aren’t “perfect” I will still have a good time. I’m not going there to impress people or pretend I am something I am not. I’m so excited to go. I’m looking forward to the break. I’m actually eager to meet new people that I will never meet again. I’m curious about the food and the mojitos. I’m very much looking forward to being alone for awhile. I have lots to think about and some decisions to make that I just can’t make here surrounded by familiar and usual and I need some space and freedom to do that. It’s time. I’m ecstatic I have given myself this opportunity. I am so grateful for the encouragement I have had and will continue to have. I am indebted for the help I have had to finally understand that I am already great. I don’t need to be told that. I don’t need to earn that: I am already that. I don’t need to change the parts of of me that are already here: I need to add more: more great. Either people see that in me or they don’t: It’s their loss?? Nah.. the loss always stings and it’s every ones equally, But I’m not afraid to be great anymore. This has been one of those BOOM..there it is…right there: the obvious. Yeah…it just took me a minute or 30 something years or whatever to get there. I’m going to put on the bikini and the party clothes and have a good time. It’s going to be great. I should probably go pack I guess…how many pairs of sandals do I need anyway??
This is good: I like this one! It’s all options. Not choices: choices still feel like work. Also: I should not be allowed to make decisions BECAUSE then I end up with a purple kitchen instead of a soothing grey kitchen because it turns out my eyes are bad enough I can not tell the difference. Yes….please, lets all recall that time a few years ago I ended up with a purple bedroom the same way…pretty sure it’s still purple. Haha .
It is amazing to me how changing one word around can make such a difference to my mindset. Changing the way I look at situations and switching my thoughts from a negative connotation or feeling to something that feels more positive and comfortable certainly has allowed me to proceed with much more confidence and passivity. I’m simply amazed at how elastic my brain actually is: how open I am to accepting the micro adjustments responsible for these changes. I’m actually fundamentally proud of myself for allowing myself permission to let things like this happen. Again, it was a simple adjustment of how I perceive myself and situations. I get stuck sometimes, I know I do. When I get stuck I am stuck and I am low (and unbearable to others)…I know this. I try to not get stuck: I am not perfect, then again no one is. I am accountable though: the only person responsible for my poor outlook on those days is me. In this life, if I choose an option that leads me down a path I no longer want to, or can no longer follow: this too is my responsibility to correct. I am capable of doing this; it just may take some effort. I choose how I react to situations and to the reactions of other people: I am responsible for ensuring that my reactions, the options I choose to deal with “that”, are something that best represent my integral me. I firmly believe that my reactions help to define my integrity; the situations I sometimes face simply do not. Situations are temporary, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. The way I deal with “them”, react to them and learn from them are the pieces I will carry with me, so I need to ensure I make those pieces count. These options that I choose are also the parts of me most capable of affecting and influencing others. Integrity is important to me. The way I make others feel is important; again, I am accountable for the way I affect others. I recognize that there is always more than one way to react to something, more than one way to get my point across: if a point needs to be made. Sometimes responding hastily and choosing anger and fear and frustration is easy: however, what is the easy option is not always the most logical (I am half Vulcan…I swear). Things that take some effort and calmness and solicitousness are usually, in my very humble opinion of myself and my own life and my own path, the best option. I realize my choosing the options to be kind and forgiving and empathetic and just selfish enough to take care of my own needs first; opens me up to being vulnerable, to being drained by the needs of others, to seem as though I am nothing but selfish when I do act for myself: These are my options. These are my choices. This is me….and I am not sorry (except when I am…then I am so so sooooo sorry. Like really sorry. I’m sorry.)
I will not put macaroni and cheese on my baked potato: too many carbs all at once!! However if I choose the option of ordering frigging Chicken Fingers in Cuba: then I will!!!
Draw or paint I say: I can’t she says, I’m not a good artist. Paint something abstract…maybe for your wall: I can’t she says, it always turns out ugly. Use paper or glitter or crayons or SOMETHING and do mixed media collage: I can’t Mom, shes says, I don’t know what to make that will look good. Sad face. Sad Mom. Internally I scream PLEASE SEE YOUR OWN AMAZINGNESS LITTLE ONE!!! Please…just look and see it like I do!!! Then it struck me: Give the kid a fresh cartridge of Polaroid film and watch her go!! Last year we gave my girl an Instax Mini camera for her 12th birthday. We set her up with batteries and some film and she has had so much fun with it ever since: pretty sure somewhere in this mess of still (soon Robyn…SOON) unpacked boxes there are 100’s of little Polaroid pictures that document Ry’s last year. She takes a million selfies on her iPod everyday and drives me bonkers with stupid SnapChat filters. She becomes frustrated trying to get a good shot (why she always covers her mouth I have no idea??) But…when she uses the Instax: the photos she takes are so much more….meaningful. She suddenly gets the “value” of a picture. You can’t just delete and retake the photo: there are only 15 pictures for each cartridge, so the photo you take has to be “the one”. She still gets excited waiting for the picture to come alive. She STILL shakes it thinking it will develop faster. She is so proud of herself for each photo she takes. Suddenly the “I can’t” and the “I’m not an artist” disappears and she feels pride and excitement for what is she can do. Every single one of those shots have a story and carry meaning for her. I watch her look at her subject thoughtfully, adjust the lighting, adjust the angle, adjust her position and SNAP! My favorite are the ones that don’t “turn out”. She can look at those “a little bit blurry” or “a little bit too bright or too dark” shots and still manages to find beauty and art in them. I found some black and white film for her this Christmas that is still in the box: she is waiting to save it for something really special. I love that she is looking for that “special” moment to photograph. I love that she can look at little things: items around the house, a flower, a cloud, a snowflake or even a reflection on the glass table and see that as something she wants to capture. Not one selfie. Not a single “pensive look out the window like I have a record dropping next week” shot. All creative. All amazing. All incredible. Give a creative mind, that doesn’t realize she IS creative, a cartridge of Polaroid film and watch her go! I would love someday to give her a true film camera and watch her have a go with that and have to wait for the film to be developed!! She is currently sitting next to me, taking selfies on her iPod. Searching for the perfect one of course…while glancing every so often at the stack of photos she took today and a few pictures from a few months ago that are her most special, and the smile that twitches at the corners of her lips as she does this simple makes my heart soar!!! You did it Squish…you found your amazingness. Yay us!!!!
This is my every other Friday view. Sitting. Waiting. Warning lights on. Fingers crossed it was a good 10 days apart. Wondering what changes have occurred in her absence. Will she be taller? Will her face be more grownup than child like? Did someone break her heart this week and I wasn’t there? Did she experience a life event that will pull her further away from being my little squish and closer to being a young woman, and I missed it…again? Is this going to be the time she no longer wants to be tucked In to bed and I forgot to notice the last time was the last time? Will I recognize her? Will she recognize me? Will she notice how I have changed and grown as well in 10 short days? Will I ever stop feeling the stab in my chest when I notice and bare the affect of how much she changes and grows up and away in 10 short days that feel like an eternity every damn time. I can do nothing but wait and hope and do my best for her and for us in the short time we have: it’s all we have and it is enough. It’s perfect. This is what is ok…this is what works for us. We are happy. We answer these questions every other Friday: it’s the thing we do now: We make every second count. That’s what we do :))
I had a bad day yesterday. That is OK. I have allowed myself permission to have bad days: not everyday can be great and some days are going to remind that hard is hard. That was one of those days. I couldn’t get away from it. I could not overcome it. I could not rise above. I could not stop thinking everything and everyone was out to get me. I was miserable and I was, probably on purpose, making everyone around me miserable as well. I’m sure it was frightening, I am sure it was horrible to watch/listen/read what i was experiencing. I love my people. all my people: they all understood. They all stuck with me. Every. Single. One of them. I simply adore my people!!! Thank you my people. I decided this morning when I woke up that today was going to be a good day. Nights that are long and filled with time to think about important things and feel them and hold them and choose what to let go of allow enough time as well, to set certain changes in motion. I was going to make what felt abhorrent to me: good again. I wanted change and I was going to drive the change. I was going to be brave. I showered and got dressed. Makeup (soooo much make-up) and hair done. Went to work. That was exhausting. I apologized to my people: (I am so sorry). That was hard. I made some decisions about somethings: let somethings simply, go: let somethings be: let something matter. No more asking questions that don’t matter. Trust. Be Patient. Always expect an abundance: of all of the things I feel I deserve. That was brave. I made a choice and a plan to be brave and I feel good about my choice. I don’t know what this means in regards to not having a bad day like I had. I don’t know if this choice will be enough; but I have to try. Perhaps I am even desperate at this point to reset my brain: to train the other parts to do what the sad, broken and lonely parts just can not do right now. I want to learn to be comfortable with being alone with myself. I want to learn to take big steps alone: I have taken many already thus far; but I need to learn to walk further. I want to learn to forgive myself for what I deem my mistakes to be. I want to learn to, quite simply, love. Call it a journey. Call it a test. Call it and experiment, Call it silly because to most, it is really not that big of a deal: call it whatever you like…but I solemnly swear it does not matter to me, because this is my story not yours. My story will be written by me for me. I am the princess in the tower that sometimes needs to be saved, I am the heroine who saves the day, I am the dragon waiting to be slayed and I am the castle. I decided it is alright sometimes to need to be saved. I decided it is just as alright to need someone to stand by my side and watch me save myself. I am the writer of this story and the narrator and the reader all at once. I am going to make this story what I need it to be. Call it a last minute Eat, Pray, Love journey. I assure you there will be attempts in eating, the praying will come in the form of reflection and focusing and the love will come from learning to love me again: I have so much love to give it is time for that to be my own: I deserve it most. My bravery in this instance came with support and encouragement from someone who already has found their inner hero and slayed their own dragon: with promises that I would be safe: I would make it: I would be OK: I will find something useful in this journey: That I could do this. I believe you. I can do this. I will do this. I clicked the button.
Last night I found happiness and magnificent wonderfulness and camaraderie in the grocery store of all places. I was very not happy to be in the grocery store. Not my favorite place to be: money…bright lights and generally grumpy people (mostly for the same reason). I have never enjoyed grocery shopping especially alone. I have always found it overwhelming for some reason. I have always been “bad” at it: cause I hate it. Which is OK….i shouldn’t have to be good at every aspect of being a grown up and if i need company to shop: no big deal. But suddenly, the horror of the grocery store (ok: maybe that is a bit too dramatic) Turned beautiful! The lights became warm and inviting, the food all suddenly looked kind of delicious (weird) and the people!!! The people, me included, became happy and kind and it was all thanks to: Mr. Billy Joel.
The instore radio started playing “For The Longest Time”. Everyone knows that song. If you don’t think you know the song: trust me you know the song. It’s the song you hum to and tap your foot to and if you’re me you just make up your own frigging words and sing along anyway. It’s the song that when it plays on the radio in the car you turn it up and don’t mind sitting through a red light drumming your fingers on the steering wheel. I started singing away quietly and humming a bit and maybe a bounce showed up in my step: this was weird feeling to me. This kind of conduct has been missing from me for awhile now. My mission, as a parent, was to show my daughter to always have fun and singing in the store is fun. Singing in the car is fun (even when someone is all: Hey! Who sings this song? and I would be all I think it’s pink? And they would be all: Then maybe let her sing it. Buzz kill). Boom! Another hit to the chin about something I stopped doing when I stopped doing everything except being fake happy. As I turned down an aisle, still humming away, I noticed this man singing away too!!! We kind of smiled at each other and carried on; but then I heard from the next aisle this dude singing away nice and loud!! I totally hurried around the corner and smiled at him and he gave me high five as he walked by with his cart. This lady down the cat food aisle was humming. A man by the bread was tapping his toe to the beat! The guy stocking the shelves in the freezer aisle was definitely rocking out. I gave up on shopping and just ran around trying to catch everyone singing together. It wasn’t like a dramatic flash mob or anything. There were no serious dance moves: It was just simply beautiful! We all knew that each of us were singing along. We all acknowledged each other. We all complimented each other in our own little way (thank you high five guy!!!). We were all friendly to each other. We all made each of us have a better day. Every single one us of had a smile on our faces. Billy Joel just completely helped me find another piece of me. The part of me that was always able to know that there is happiness and light in the world. I am a dreamer. I get excited about things that people think are unimportant. I act like a goof in public and I don’t care what people think of me. I don’t very often take myself too seriously: I am trying so so hard to get back to here. I’m loud. I ask too many questions because I want to know everything there is to know. I become enamored with little habits and quirks that the people I love have, and it makes my heart happy to see them. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that happiness is right there with me at all times. That sometimes you just need to hold you chin a little higher in the cereal aisle and pay attention and you will see it too. This won’t help me solve any problems. This won’t pay any bills. This won’t make any of the hard stuff go away any faster. It won’t correct mistakes I have made or change the past: what it will do though is help me find a way to make those things a little easier to get through. I promise you: when you think you’re alone; you really honestly and truly are not alone. There will always be someone singing along to a song that you know in a grocery store and if that makes you happy: let it. There will always be someone noticing those things about you that are so simply perfect and endearing it makes their heart sing. Let something: anything make you happy when you need it to. Let those happy moments remind you that you can’t look for or create happiness: its right there, right where you are, waiting for you to see it: waiting for you to just be happy. (Also: it’s mean to tell people not to sing in the car: you just turn the music up and drown their tone deaf ass down!)
5 things (that turned into 6 and then 7 because I am indecisive) I can’t be without
Is it just me or are there certain things you need to have: things that make your day go right and you feel more at ease? Things that calm you or feel like such a part of you that without them you feel off or naked? Here are mine
- Sad: my cell phone. It’s glued to me. I am the kid that panics when its not with me. I am that kid that checks it incessantly (which is sad because only like 5 people ever text me and at any given time 2 of them are with me) I don’t like not having it with me when I drive or when I am out. What if I get lost? What if something happens? What if someone needs me?? what if Brad and Jennifer decide to get back together?!?! How will I know. Pathetic.
- Sad again: Coffee in the morning. Yup…again I am that kid. I am a grump without it. It makes me feel all warm and happy and its delicious tasting. Its an integral part of my morning routine: wake up make coffee then bathroom stuff then drink coffee. Then get ready and blah blah blah go to work: the blah blah blah represents probably 2 more cups and then I feel all shaky and great and I am ready to go.
- Music or back ground noise: I hate the quiet. I did not used to but now I do. If there is quiet, I have too much time for idle thoughts and mind wandering so I avoid it. At work the radio is on, in the car I have music playing or CBC on. At home I usually have headphone in (much to the dismay of people who are trying to talk to me. Here’s a handy trick: when you don’t want to talk to people put headphones in! Everyone leaves you alone after you shout answers at them a few times!)
- A sweater or a big scarf. Even in the summer I drag a sweater around with me. I hate being cold so much that I worry about getting cold. I take my sweater off and on numerous times during the day: my hair is always a disaster. I plan my outfits around what sweater I would wear. I wear my hoodies until I wear holes in the sleeves and then I still wear them at home.
- A journal. I always have a journal with me. If I don’t carry a bag that day that can accommodate my journal I have post-it notes on hand and use them to journal on and stick them inside. Writing is my medicine. It calms me and helps me get my thoughts out of my head and on paper to help me make better sense of them.
- Its kinda weird: But… I always feel better when I have something in my pocket (see Instagram post about buying pants without pockets…frig) I am a fidgeter. I play with circle money or spin a bobby pin or a hair tie around my fingers. I have a rock that I put in my pocket in the summer from a significant place that I have rubbed so often its now smooth in spots. Again, its calming.
- Someone to talk to: This. This is important. As much as I like to have quiet sometimes; I feel so much better knowing I have someone I can talk to about the important things in life. It makes me feel happy to know I have someone I can tell random sill things too or send funny pictures to. It makes me feel safe I guess, to know that I have someone I can turn to if I am upset or need advice. It makes me feel comfortable to know that I can be open and honest and share things about myself that maybe not easy to share or just to be honest about how I feel about somethings and not worry about being judged or them getting angry at me: if I were to say something in that regard, I would know that person would be open with me and let me know. I get that people aren’t things and I put people on my list of things: however, to me having that someone or someone’s to count on is definitely something I can’t be without and hope i never have to. I really like my someones being with me! ❤